The Caucasian-in-Chief’s reelection’s in trouble, according to every single available poll, and his campaign made an inevitable move, firing campaign manager Brad Parscale who was last seen being Rick-rolled by a bunch of Korean music fans on TikTok, in favor of old pro Bill Stepien, who gained political fame in the first place by persuading the people of New Jersey that Chris Christie wasn’t too fat to be their governor.
This accomplishment pales next to rehabilitating Trump’s image, though. Fifty-five percent of Americans now think of Trump as something they need to work off the sole of their shoe with a butter knife, and they can’t wait until November to do it.
The Trump campaign needs to fix that, fast, and there’s only two ways to accomplish that. The first is to persuade people that Trump is not an enormous gob of offal, staining the Oval Office like someone accidentally pumped a Porta-Potty out in there. This is a tall order, because time and time again Trump has proven himself to be a nasty, ill-tempered shit-stain. He has shot himself in the foot so many times, re-election wise, he currently has to borrow other people’s feet to shoot when he wants to do it again. His remaining thirty-six percent of support comes exclusively from his “base,” which has been whittled down to full-throated, warbling racists and people who think the only important issue in the country is them being able to ram their Christianity down other peoples' throats, and also, they’re racist, too, and homophobes to boot. Further shrinkage in their numbers is almost guaranteed by the coronavirus.
Even a champion manure-buffer like Stepien might quail at the magnitude of that task, so look for him to drop his poop-shining wheel in favor of option 2, which is to convince people that, while Trump may be a piece of crap, Joe Biden is a bucket of warm spoiled bait that’s been urinated in by a dozen drunk fishermen. Right now, he’s planning to tell you that Biden is the pedophile-in-a-white-van-with-candy of politics. He’ll be trying to convince the American public that Biden’s first act upon taking office will be to kiss AOC’s hair and, while they twerk together, whisper in her ear, “Let’s get the socialist hellhole started.”
And even if he manages to do that, he still runs the chance that voters will realize that they’re living in a hellhole now, what with them being unable to leave the house without the fear of getting punched out for either wearing a mask or not wearing one, after rooting around the sofa cushions for enough spare change to buy a pack of Ramen noodles. “What the everlasting fuck,” people will say, “I’d rather live in a hellhole with healthcare,” and vote for Biden anyway.
So Stepien’s job looks like it won’t even run through Thanksgiving, and he’s got to be looking for opportunities after that. But I have no doubt he’ll land on his feet.
Goya will need a new bean salesman, for one.
This accomplishment pales next to rehabilitating Trump’s image, though. Fifty-five percent of Americans now think of Trump as something they need to work off the sole of their shoe with a butter knife, and they can’t wait until November to do it.
The Trump campaign needs to fix that, fast, and there’s only two ways to accomplish that. The first is to persuade people that Trump is not an enormous gob of offal, staining the Oval Office like someone accidentally pumped a Porta-Potty out in there. This is a tall order, because time and time again Trump has proven himself to be a nasty, ill-tempered shit-stain. He has shot himself in the foot so many times, re-election wise, he currently has to borrow other people’s feet to shoot when he wants to do it again. His remaining thirty-six percent of support comes exclusively from his “base,” which has been whittled down to full-throated, warbling racists and people who think the only important issue in the country is them being able to ram their Christianity down other peoples' throats, and also, they’re racist, too, and homophobes to boot. Further shrinkage in their numbers is almost guaranteed by the coronavirus.
Even a champion manure-buffer like Stepien might quail at the magnitude of that task, so look for him to drop his poop-shining wheel in favor of option 2, which is to convince people that, while Trump may be a piece of crap, Joe Biden is a bucket of warm spoiled bait that’s been urinated in by a dozen drunk fishermen. Right now, he’s planning to tell you that Biden is the pedophile-in-a-white-van-with-candy of politics. He’ll be trying to convince the American public that Biden’s first act upon taking office will be to kiss AOC’s hair and, while they twerk together, whisper in her ear, “Let’s get the socialist hellhole started.”
And even if he manages to do that, he still runs the chance that voters will realize that they’re living in a hellhole now, what with them being unable to leave the house without the fear of getting punched out for either wearing a mask or not wearing one, after rooting around the sofa cushions for enough spare change to buy a pack of Ramen noodles. “What the everlasting fuck,” people will say, “I’d rather live in a hellhole with healthcare,” and vote for Biden anyway.
So Stepien’s job looks like it won’t even run through Thanksgiving, and he’s got to be looking for opportunities after that. But I have no doubt he’ll land on his feet.
Goya will need a new bean salesman, for one.
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