It’s not like Trump’s penis hasn’t felt his Florsheims before. Just last week he got himself recorded urging Georgia’s Secretary of State to revise that state’s election returns so that Trump could claim that state’s electoral votes, a dick-drubbing that resulted in two people who couldn’t even get past security at Mar al Lago, because one of them is black and the other is a Jew who isn’t in real estate, being elected to the Senate.
But Trump’s latest resounding whack against his own tallywhacker resulted in a series of astonishing events. Here are just a few of them:
Just a few weeks ago, some precious pundits were saying that the Republican nomination for President was Trump’s for the taking, in 2024. Those guys are all saying today, “Sure wish I’d shut the fuck up instead of saying that.” Many Republicans who were aw-shucksey about putting together a Presidential campaign while Trump made up his mind about running for years from now are booking flights for Iowa today.
Several Senators who used to play to Trump’s base like they were rappers playing to ho’s publicly abandoned him, including sepulchral warmonger Tom Cotton and strident racist banshee Marsha Blackburn. “My head is out of your ass forever,” proclaimed former Trump boot-licker Lindsey Graham loudly, on the floor of the Senate.
That may not be an exact quote.
The Capitol Police are studying videos of Black Lives Matter protests to learn how to properly beat and tear-gas people instead of taking selfies with them and letting them past barriers like they were just a bunch of other white guys who liked to hunt and fish and have stupid political opinions.
Trump’s own people are leaving the sinking ship like the proverbial rats, because the water is up to the deck rails and the rest of the vessel is on fire. Stephanie Grisham, the former White House press secretary who did not speak to the press, currently First Lady Melania’s chief of staff, grabbed her life jacket yesterday. It is tough to believe that the First Lady didn’t say, “Right behind you, girl,” as Grisham left.
And Nick Mulvaney, former White House Chief of Staff, currently Envoy to Northern Ireland, woke up about 4 AM, Northern Ireland time, to resign. Now, going from WH Chief of Staff to envoy to Northern Ireland is like going from starting quarterback to assistant to the water boy on a football team, but, yeah, as of right now, America has no envoy to Northern Ireland.
Let that sink in.
What’s Trump doing today? My bet is that he’s scribbling pardons as fast as he can, before Pence figures out whether he’s got enough votes to 25th Amendment his ass. Because Pence is mad, as mad as if he had a whole garbage truck’s worth of flies stuck in his styling gel.
And one of Trump’s pardons better be for himself because, even though it might not work, he’s not getting one from anybody else.