“Those guys know I would be an amazing Pope,” Trump said. “I said I was impressed by all their big, beautiful statues. And they’ve got this great balcony where you can stand over people and bless them, which Ivanka and I would look terrific on. And Steve Bannon could be one of my top bishops. But they told me I couldn't bring back torture there, either, and my hair wouldn’t fit under the hat they wanted me to wear, so I took a pass.
A spokesman for the Vatican said Trump’s assertion was incorrect, and added in Latin, “Trump est Dominus plena stercore.”*
Trump also claimed that Phil Mickelson wanted putting tips from him, that he had an open offer from Shakira to give her dance lessons, and when he was done being President of the United States, all the nations in the Western hemisphere south of Panama were going to unite to form the United States of South America, so he could be President of them, too.
*"Donald Trump is full of shit."