A sharp rise in the number of atheists and agnostics nationwide was reported last week after the President, speaking at the National Prayer Breakfast, claimed that God helped him get through the Mueller investigation.
“No one believes that God would let Trump lean on Him if He existed,” said one former Presbyterian that was willing to speak on the record. “I mean, it’s one thing to believe that God is working in mysterious ways when He allows school shootings, tsunamis, gas warfare, and un-vaccinated brats to wipe out huge swaths of innocent humanity, but it’s another thing entirely to believe that He would let Trump touch him.
“We formerly religious people weren’t expecting anything really dramatic when Trump claimed to be snuggling with the Lord. A giant, booming voice on every earthly wind, bellowing, “GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME! JUST LIKE MELANIA TELLS YOU EVERY WEEKEND!” would have been spiritually uplifting of course, but we don’t demand that much of God. A bolt of lightning from the clouds wouldn’t even have had to kill Trump in order for us to maintain our faith in Him. Even if the lightning just turned him a different shade of orange, that would have been enough to keep us strong in our belief. Heck, God’s favorite prayer boi, Mike Pence, was right there with Trump when Trump claimed to be groping Him, and had Pence’s pants spontaneously dropped to the floor at that moment, we would eagerly have accepted that as a sign. One thing about being a religious person—your portent standards are pretty low.
“Now I look back on my faith-filled years and laugh bitterly. All the thoughts and prayers I sent Heavenward in the face of tragedies personal, national and world were just vain attempts to persuade myself that making little electrical connections inside my skull would have an effect on the unknowable future, or cause someone’s soul to soar into some unlikely Heaven. I won’t have to persuade myself that the results of the movement of tectonic plates or the direction in which hurricanes swirl is all part of the plan of some beneficent Deity anymore. I feel liberated. And it’s all thanks to Trump. I almost feel that it was the President who personally granted me the gift of rationalism, when he said he connected with God.”
Consider that he might have been just lying.
“I did notice that Trump lied a lot, even when I was praying for him to be a good President.”
See how well those prayers turned out? Welcome to the club. We drink beer on Sunday instead of going to church--another plus for being a rationalist.
“Well, if he was lying, God could have rightfully ignored him. Would have had to, really. Maybe I made a mistake doubting Him.”
Oh, shit. Are you going to say, “Praise be?”
“Praise be! My faith is restored! It was God that sent me to you!
Oh, Jesus!
“Him, too.”
“No one believes that God would let Trump lean on Him if He existed,” said one former Presbyterian that was willing to speak on the record. “I mean, it’s one thing to believe that God is working in mysterious ways when He allows school shootings, tsunamis, gas warfare, and un-vaccinated brats to wipe out huge swaths of innocent humanity, but it’s another thing entirely to believe that He would let Trump touch him.
“We formerly religious people weren’t expecting anything really dramatic when Trump claimed to be snuggling with the Lord. A giant, booming voice on every earthly wind, bellowing, “GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME! JUST LIKE MELANIA TELLS YOU EVERY WEEKEND!” would have been spiritually uplifting of course, but we don’t demand that much of God. A bolt of lightning from the clouds wouldn’t even have had to kill Trump in order for us to maintain our faith in Him. Even if the lightning just turned him a different shade of orange, that would have been enough to keep us strong in our belief. Heck, God’s favorite prayer boi, Mike Pence, was right there with Trump when Trump claimed to be groping Him, and had Pence’s pants spontaneously dropped to the floor at that moment, we would eagerly have accepted that as a sign. One thing about being a religious person—your portent standards are pretty low.
“Now I look back on my faith-filled years and laugh bitterly. All the thoughts and prayers I sent Heavenward in the face of tragedies personal, national and world were just vain attempts to persuade myself that making little electrical connections inside my skull would have an effect on the unknowable future, or cause someone’s soul to soar into some unlikely Heaven. I won’t have to persuade myself that the results of the movement of tectonic plates or the direction in which hurricanes swirl is all part of the plan of some beneficent Deity anymore. I feel liberated. And it’s all thanks to Trump. I almost feel that it was the President who personally granted me the gift of rationalism, when he said he connected with God.”
Consider that he might have been just lying.
“I did notice that Trump lied a lot, even when I was praying for him to be a good President.”
See how well those prayers turned out? Welcome to the club. We drink beer on Sunday instead of going to church--another plus for being a rationalist.
“Well, if he was lying, God could have rightfully ignored him. Would have had to, really. Maybe I made a mistake doubting Him.”
Oh, shit. Are you going to say, “Praise be?”
“Praise be! My faith is restored! It was God that sent me to you!
Oh, Jesus!
“Him, too.”
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