The Caucasian-in-Chief has been widely criticized for ordering a path cleared for him using rubber bullets and tear gas so he could walk to a local church and shake a Bible at the nation. Even Republicans and Pat Robertson are saying it was a bad look, but this Administration remained firm in its belief that America’s issues can be solved by waving a Bible at the country he leads and threatening it with military attack.
“Look, Trump is now the law and order President,” my source in the White House told me.
He’s been President for three years. If he’s the law and order President, shouldn’t we have law and order already?
“Two words. Antifa.”
What’s the other word?
“Also, Antifa. They’re behind all this civil insurrection. Leftist, anarchists and people who listen to public radio are their allies. We, of course, are shocked at what happened to George Floyd and that guy in Georgia with the funny name—make sure you write down that I said that, and please add ‘sincerely,’ because we’re supposed to remember to do that when we talk to the press—but that’s no excuse for looting a Cinnabon.”
People are saying…
“Please don’t use the President’s favorite lines against him. Have you no shame, man?”
All right. Business Insider said that Trump wanted the photo op because of all the stories about him being rushed to a secure bunker because of the mob outside the White House, which made him look cowardly and inspired the hashtag #BunkerBitch.
“The President bravely descended into the bunker FOR AN INSPECTION! It just happened to be when there was a slavering mass of angry humanity demanding justice at the White House gates. Total coincidence. And the White House lights went out because a Secret Service agent blew a fuse trying to charge his iPhone. The bunker, by the way, was left a complete mess by Obama…
Before you go on, could I mention that Obama used to leave the White House occasionally, and never seemed to need to tear gas anyone before he did it?
“That’s because he was just going out for some yogurt or a deli sandwich, or some other cheap stunt that made him seem human. Trump doesn’t want people to think of him that way. But let me finish complaining. Obama left empty cups and party napkins all over the place, and the national emergency Doritos were all stale. We’re re-stocking the bunker and having it re-painted gold, so the President will be more comfortable the next time we have to rush him there for an inspection. And I promise you, the next day he will rise out of that bunker, ready to wag a Bible at the forces of anarchy, socialism and also selected governors, no matter how much tear gas and rubber bullets we have to spray to clear his way.”
Who did the Bible belong to? Trump refused to claim it was his.
“It was Steve Bannon’s Bible, the one he hollowed out so he could use it to sneak his Oxy through airport security back in the day. That’s why the President was clutching it so securely. He was afraid Steve’s stash might fall out onto the ground. That would have ruined the moment.”
“A lot of people…sorry! A lot of us in the lamestream media think the moment was ruined from the get-go, what with the President of the United States attacking his own peaceful citizens so he could do something weird, unnatural and completely out of character for him.”
“What do you mean, weird and unnatural? The President is always looking out for the interests of the Americans that vote for him, Christian Americans with a high school education or less, and those Americans think the Bible is sweeter than Mississippi tea. What’s out of Trump’s character about that?”
He’s holding a book.
“Look, Trump is now the law and order President,” my source in the White House told me.
He’s been President for three years. If he’s the law and order President, shouldn’t we have law and order already?
“Two words. Antifa.”
What’s the other word?
“Also, Antifa. They’re behind all this civil insurrection. Leftist, anarchists and people who listen to public radio are their allies. We, of course, are shocked at what happened to George Floyd and that guy in Georgia with the funny name—make sure you write down that I said that, and please add ‘sincerely,’ because we’re supposed to remember to do that when we talk to the press—but that’s no excuse for looting a Cinnabon.”
People are saying…
“Please don’t use the President’s favorite lines against him. Have you no shame, man?”
All right. Business Insider said that Trump wanted the photo op because of all the stories about him being rushed to a secure bunker because of the mob outside the White House, which made him look cowardly and inspired the hashtag #BunkerBitch.
“The President bravely descended into the bunker FOR AN INSPECTION! It just happened to be when there was a slavering mass of angry humanity demanding justice at the White House gates. Total coincidence. And the White House lights went out because a Secret Service agent blew a fuse trying to charge his iPhone. The bunker, by the way, was left a complete mess by Obama…
Before you go on, could I mention that Obama used to leave the White House occasionally, and never seemed to need to tear gas anyone before he did it?
“That’s because he was just going out for some yogurt or a deli sandwich, or some other cheap stunt that made him seem human. Trump doesn’t want people to think of him that way. But let me finish complaining. Obama left empty cups and party napkins all over the place, and the national emergency Doritos were all stale. We’re re-stocking the bunker and having it re-painted gold, so the President will be more comfortable the next time we have to rush him there for an inspection. And I promise you, the next day he will rise out of that bunker, ready to wag a Bible at the forces of anarchy, socialism and also selected governors, no matter how much tear gas and rubber bullets we have to spray to clear his way.”
Who did the Bible belong to? Trump refused to claim it was his.
“It was Steve Bannon’s Bible, the one he hollowed out so he could use it to sneak his Oxy through airport security back in the day. That’s why the President was clutching it so securely. He was afraid Steve’s stash might fall out onto the ground. That would have ruined the moment.”
“A lot of people…sorry! A lot of us in the lamestream media think the moment was ruined from the get-go, what with the President of the United States attacking his own peaceful citizens so he could do something weird, unnatural and completely out of character for him.”
“What do you mean, weird and unnatural? The President is always looking out for the interests of the Americans that vote for him, Christian Americans with a high school education or less, and those Americans think the Bible is sweeter than Mississippi tea. What’s out of Trump’s character about that?”
He’s holding a book.
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