The joy of exoneration Scene: The Oval Office. PRESIDENT TRUMP, basking in the glory of having successfully avoided punishment for yet another crime spree, orders the White House switchboard to dial up one-time accused murderer OJ Simpson. After a few minutes, OJ is on the line.
SIMPSON: (lightly astonished) Mr. President, what can I do for you?
TRUMP: Just calling to shoot the breeze, OJ. Just a little off the record talk about how it beautiful it feels to be exonerated when almost everybody thinks you’re guilty AF. I got your number from Dershowitz. Great guy, especially for a Jew, don’t you think?
SIMPSON: Alan will always be one of my homies. But it was Johnny Cochran who mostly kept me walking free.
TRUMP: What? (aside, heard indistinctly) Get me that four-eyed weasel Mulvaney! OJ says somebody named Cochran is an even more of a conscienceless piece of shit than Dershowitz! Why wasn’t HE on my team?
SIMPSON: Mr. President, he’s dead.
TRUMP: Oh. (aside) Never mind. Tell Mulvaney he can keep polishing the silverware. If he does a nice job, I’ll give him a pair of Ivanka’s panties to do it with next time. I make her keep them in my bedroom. So, Juice—you don’t mind if I call you Juice, do you?
SIMPSON: Not at all, Mr. President.
TRUMP: Good. So, what did you do, Juice, when you walked free and clear when you killed your wife and her gay best friend? I’m looking for guidance here. We acquitted guys have to stick together, right?
SIMPSON: Right, Mr. President. Well, I play a lot of golf.
TRUMP: (triumphantly) Got that covered, my black friend! Oh, do I have that covered. And the Secret Service has to drive my cart for free. What else?
SIMPSON: For a while, I told people I was looking for the real culprit.
TRUMP: So am I! HUNTER FUCKING BIDEN! What an amazing coincidence!
SIMPSON: After a while, it seemed like nobody gave a shit anymore.
TRUMP: I plan to quit giving a shit about Hunter Biden the day after Election Day. Just like those caravans I never talk about anymore.
SIMPSON: So, I went back to crime. Extortion, mostly, and some light terroristic threatening.
TRUMP: Amazing! That’s exactly what I plan to do. This has been a really inspirational chat, Juice.
SIMPSON: Eventually, though, I got caught, and had to serve time.
TRUMP: That’s where the comparison ends, Juice. They’re never going to catch me.
SIMPSON: You know, Mr. President, that’s exactly what I thought, too.
SIMPSON: (lightly astonished) Mr. President, what can I do for you?
TRUMP: Just calling to shoot the breeze, OJ. Just a little off the record talk about how it beautiful it feels to be exonerated when almost everybody thinks you’re guilty AF. I got your number from Dershowitz. Great guy, especially for a Jew, don’t you think?
SIMPSON: Alan will always be one of my homies. But it was Johnny Cochran who mostly kept me walking free.
TRUMP: What? (aside, heard indistinctly) Get me that four-eyed weasel Mulvaney! OJ says somebody named Cochran is an even more of a conscienceless piece of shit than Dershowitz! Why wasn’t HE on my team?
SIMPSON: Mr. President, he’s dead.
TRUMP: Oh. (aside) Never mind. Tell Mulvaney he can keep polishing the silverware. If he does a nice job, I’ll give him a pair of Ivanka’s panties to do it with next time. I make her keep them in my bedroom. So, Juice—you don’t mind if I call you Juice, do you?
SIMPSON: Not at all, Mr. President.
TRUMP: Good. So, what did you do, Juice, when you walked free and clear when you killed your wife and her gay best friend? I’m looking for guidance here. We acquitted guys have to stick together, right?
SIMPSON: Right, Mr. President. Well, I play a lot of golf.
TRUMP: (triumphantly) Got that covered, my black friend! Oh, do I have that covered. And the Secret Service has to drive my cart for free. What else?
SIMPSON: For a while, I told people I was looking for the real culprit.
TRUMP: So am I! HUNTER FUCKING BIDEN! What an amazing coincidence!
SIMPSON: After a while, it seemed like nobody gave a shit anymore.
TRUMP: I plan to quit giving a shit about Hunter Biden the day after Election Day. Just like those caravans I never talk about anymore.
SIMPSON: So, I went back to crime. Extortion, mostly, and some light terroristic threatening.
TRUMP: Amazing! That’s exactly what I plan to do. This has been a really inspirational chat, Juice.
SIMPSON: Eventually, though, I got caught, and had to serve time.
TRUMP: That’s where the comparison ends, Juice. They’re never going to catch me.
SIMPSON: You know, Mr. President, that’s exactly what I thought, too.
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