“The President plans to use a golf cart to charge into mass shootings unarmed,” said White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Asked if the decision was prompted by the President’s bone spurs, Sanders responded affirmatively. “Unfortunately, when the President said he was perfectly willing to run into a situation of mass carnage without so much as a shrimp fork to defend himself, he was just displaying his well-known courage and concern for his fellow citizens. But there are the bone spurs, so he can’t be running. He has however, ordered that a golf cart be kept close by wherever he goes, so if someone starts filling the air with deadly lead, he will be able to charge down those halls of bloody chaos, interspersing all of his 239 pounds of raw courage between himself and the innocents, aboard an extremely durable and reliable piece of sporting equipment.”
When questioned about why the bone spurs had returned now, decades after Trump had ceased to show symptoms of them around the time the Vietnam war ended, Sanders replied, "It is unfortunate that the schoolchildren of America cannot witness the spectacle of the President bulling his way into a cafeteria of carnage and disarming a gun-toting maniac by himself. It would no doubt be the most fantastic example of personal bravery ever observed. But, unfortunately, we will not be able to see the President in ambulatory action against mental mass shooters, just as we were deprived of his brave service in Vietnam by those cursed bone spurs. The President is pretty sure that's why we lost that war."