“Looks like it’s going to happen around January-February, when the weather is shitty in Washington,” said White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney. “Republicans love being in Florida in the winter, away from the cold and minority groups in DC. Couple rounds of complimentary golf, and a few Pina Coladas, and the Senate will be relaxed enough to acquit the President of all the crimes he and I have already admitted to, plus any more they might find out about between now and then. We doubt there’ll be any more, though, after Giuliani tragically and unexpectedly hangs himself next week.
“Of course, winter is high season at Mar al Lago, so we’re going to jack up the room rates big time for Democrats and the fake press. If they want to remove the President from office, they can cough up $800 a night to get bitten by the best, most exclusive bedbugs in the land, even though it’s likely they’ll just be left gnashing their teeth in their twenty-eight-dollar shrimp cocktails as the Republicans cheerfully let us off the hook. I mean sure, it’s all about our lies, greed and stupidity, but are they impeachable lies, greed and stupidity? That Boy Scout Romney might think so, but there’s plenty of other Republicans in the Senate pooping in their boxers at the thought of one of the President’s angry, illiterate Tweets being directed at them, and all they’ll be thinking about is a quick “Not Guilty,” and it’s out the door to Bob Kraft’s favorite massage parlor. And the Kurds don’t get to vote.
“Who wants to let the President off the hook under some dusty old Rotunda, surrounded by portraits of the nation’s heroes, which none of us definitely want to be, when you can do it while being caressed by the subtropical breezes and sultry waitresses at the nation’s most famous resort? There’s a lot of stress in letting the biggest crook ever to occupy the White House continue to lie, cheat and steal in office, and after the acquittal, Republicans are going to need to peace out in the sun, at least until November 2020 rolls around and we maybe all get slapped in the face with the cold, wet mackerel of fate.
“We’ll deal with that when we come to it, but in the meantime, what good is history if you can’t make money off of it?”