The President was observed yelling, “Fuck, I’ve got my dick caught in my zipper!” by several White House aides. At last report, Trump was actively worried that efforts to unzip his dick might cause further damage to the organ.
Conservative media figures, however, saw Zippergate in an entirely different light. “Fake news!” said Hannity. “I’ve watched the President zip up his pants many times, and he does it almost as well as he golfs!”
Brian Kilmeade, on “Fox and Friends,” noted that “I’ve never met anyone as concerned with the integrity of his dick as Donald Trump. I find it hard to believe that the President would do anything to endanger the country’s First Member. It’s just not the Donald Trump I know. Unless, of course, he was wearing someone else’s pants.”
“No one can prove it was his zipper,” Ainsley Earhardt chimed in.
Other conservative voices were more cautious. The Drudge report noted, “Trump certainly knows how to cut things. Taxes, school lunches, checks to porn stars—these are all things he’s cut. He could have gotten carried away and cut his dick. Not off, of course, but it’s easy to see him objecting in principle to the regulation of his pants.”
The snidely liberal Huffington Post pointed out that Obama never got his dick caught in his famous tan suit pants.
Trump, in the meanwhile, is now said to be predicting a stock market crash if he can’t get his dick out of his zipper.