As Hurricane Dorian heads for a possible landfall in Puerto Rico, sources in the White House say that President Trump is miffed beyond words at the island’s audacity at getting hit by another hurricane less than two years after Maria opened a can of meteorological whoop-ass on the US territory.
“The President is very angry at Puerto Rico for getting in the path of another hurricane, even though the relief effort after Maria was one of the most successful ever after a natural disaster hit a place surrounded by the ocean and killed 3,000 people who were not able to vote in a Presidential election anyway,” said one of this column’s White House sources. “That accounts for him rage-Tweeting at the mayor of San Juan before the storm even hits. What is she doing to avoid the storm? Why couldn’t she use one of Puerto Rico’s nuclear weapons on it?
“The fact that Puerto Rico is still trying to recover from Maria is no excuse for them to have another hurricane. Billions have already been spent on restoring Puerto Rican infrastructure, and they’re just going to leave it lying out in the rain again? All the life-saving medicines we sent them last time have apparently already been used to save lives, so when Dorian blasts PR, we’re going to hear the same dreary cries for antibiotics and insulin we got after Maria. They’ve apparently repopulated their hospitals and nursing homes with more patients to get washed out of. The President feels that this total lack of preparation should not be rewarded.
“Meanwhile, Dorian is also on track to hit Florida, where real Americans live. Americans who live in fragile, easily exploded trailer parks and whose blood sugar is usually just about as high as the Pittsburgh Pirates’ current season winning percentage. * These Americans eager to waddle, roll or strap on their oxygen tanks and walk to the polls to Keep America Great Again in 2020. Why should we prioritize Puerto Ricans, many of whom can’t even beg for their lives in English, over natural Floridians who are possibly looking at weeks without the Internet and cable TV? We can’t forget them. Truckloads of government surplus bottled Cokes and emergency Moon Pies are standing by right now, ready to roll towards the Florida state line.
“The President has had it with Puerto Rican pissing and moaning about getting whomped by hurricane after hurricane. You know what place never gets hit by hurricanes? Greenland!
“I’m just going to leave it at that.”
*424
“The President is very angry at Puerto Rico for getting in the path of another hurricane, even though the relief effort after Maria was one of the most successful ever after a natural disaster hit a place surrounded by the ocean and killed 3,000 people who were not able to vote in a Presidential election anyway,” said one of this column’s White House sources. “That accounts for him rage-Tweeting at the mayor of San Juan before the storm even hits. What is she doing to avoid the storm? Why couldn’t she use one of Puerto Rico’s nuclear weapons on it?
“The fact that Puerto Rico is still trying to recover from Maria is no excuse for them to have another hurricane. Billions have already been spent on restoring Puerto Rican infrastructure, and they’re just going to leave it lying out in the rain again? All the life-saving medicines we sent them last time have apparently already been used to save lives, so when Dorian blasts PR, we’re going to hear the same dreary cries for antibiotics and insulin we got after Maria. They’ve apparently repopulated their hospitals and nursing homes with more patients to get washed out of. The President feels that this total lack of preparation should not be rewarded.
“Meanwhile, Dorian is also on track to hit Florida, where real Americans live. Americans who live in fragile, easily exploded trailer parks and whose blood sugar is usually just about as high as the Pittsburgh Pirates’ current season winning percentage. * These Americans eager to waddle, roll or strap on their oxygen tanks and walk to the polls to Keep America Great Again in 2020. Why should we prioritize Puerto Ricans, many of whom can’t even beg for their lives in English, over natural Floridians who are possibly looking at weeks without the Internet and cable TV? We can’t forget them. Truckloads of government surplus bottled Cokes and emergency Moon Pies are standing by right now, ready to roll towards the Florida state line.
“The President has had it with Puerto Rican pissing and moaning about getting whomped by hurricane after hurricane. You know what place never gets hit by hurricanes? Greenland!
“I’m just going to leave it at that.”
*424
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