Trump has long railed that the Democrats impeaching him would be unconstitutional, and Kellyanne Conway, in the absence of Rudy “I Wish We Had All Made That Flight to Vienna,” Giuliani, was happy to reveal the legal reasoning behind the President’s defense.
“Second Amendment, baby,” she chortled. “The Constitution says President Trump can have as many guns as he wants, smoking or not. Everything from a derringer to a howitzer is covered by executive privilege.”
Um, Kellyanne, now, you know ‘smoking gun’ is a metaphor for unassailable evidence of a crime.
“I know that’s what the Deep State wants us to think. This administration, thanks to the special genius of Donald Trump, has moved far beyond metaphor. We have a literalist interpretation of the Constitution and you know as well as I that means guns. Loads of them, rocked and loaded. If some of them are found smoking once in a while, that’s inevitable. But hardly impeachable."
Career diplomats have testified that Trump appears to have offered a quid pro quo to Ukraine in order to get them to investigate Joe Biden for some nonexistent crime, like having better hair than him.
“Nonsense! First off, nobody has better hair than Donald J Trump. His hair costs are at this point in excess of $5,000 per follicle. What’s Biden do for his hair? A tablespoon full of hair gel every morning that costs maybe a nickel a squeeze? Secondly, we do not use the words quid pro quo around here. We only use American words. Quid pro quo is a Ukrainian word. The President, despite his genius, does not speak Ukrainian. It's the real reason he fired Ms. Ambassador Bitch. The woman was constantly babbling in Ukrainian. You can't make a quid pro quo if you don't understand what one is.”
How about ‘one hand washes the other?’ Do you understand that, Kellyanne?
“I understand that’s how every single person with both hands washes their hands. The President is prepared to write off the votes of one-handed people if they can’t sympathize with his plight of being a billionaire, President of the US and still having two conveniently small hands. If they persist in coming to his rallies and waving their defective limbs at him, he’s liable to give them a cruel nickname, like “Stumpies” or “Fistless Scum.”
We’re getting pretty far off the track here, Kellyanne.
“Off the tracks, through the woods and down the rabbit hole. It’s where I always go.
So, you do understand metaphors, Kellyanne?
“Yes, but don’t tell Trump that. It’s why Giuliani’s in hiding. When John Bolton said Giuliani was cooking up a ‘drug deal,’ Trump got wind of it and thought it was an actual drug deal.”
And he didn’t want anybody moving drugs through the White House?
“No, he wanted his cut.”
“Second Amendment, baby,” she chortled. “The Constitution says President Trump can have as many guns as he wants, smoking or not. Everything from a derringer to a howitzer is covered by executive privilege.”
Um, Kellyanne, now, you know ‘smoking gun’ is a metaphor for unassailable evidence of a crime.
“I know that’s what the Deep State wants us to think. This administration, thanks to the special genius of Donald Trump, has moved far beyond metaphor. We have a literalist interpretation of the Constitution and you know as well as I that means guns. Loads of them, rocked and loaded. If some of them are found smoking once in a while, that’s inevitable. But hardly impeachable."
Career diplomats have testified that Trump appears to have offered a quid pro quo to Ukraine in order to get them to investigate Joe Biden for some nonexistent crime, like having better hair than him.
“Nonsense! First off, nobody has better hair than Donald J Trump. His hair costs are at this point in excess of $5,000 per follicle. What’s Biden do for his hair? A tablespoon full of hair gel every morning that costs maybe a nickel a squeeze? Secondly, we do not use the words quid pro quo around here. We only use American words. Quid pro quo is a Ukrainian word. The President, despite his genius, does not speak Ukrainian. It's the real reason he fired Ms. Ambassador Bitch. The woman was constantly babbling in Ukrainian. You can't make a quid pro quo if you don't understand what one is.”
How about ‘one hand washes the other?’ Do you understand that, Kellyanne?
“I understand that’s how every single person with both hands washes their hands. The President is prepared to write off the votes of one-handed people if they can’t sympathize with his plight of being a billionaire, President of the US and still having two conveniently small hands. If they persist in coming to his rallies and waving their defective limbs at him, he’s liable to give them a cruel nickname, like “Stumpies” or “Fistless Scum.”
We’re getting pretty far off the track here, Kellyanne.
“Off the tracks, through the woods and down the rabbit hole. It’s where I always go.
So, you do understand metaphors, Kellyanne?
“Yes, but don’t tell Trump that. It’s why Giuliani’s in hiding. When John Bolton said Giuliani was cooking up a ‘drug deal,’ Trump got wind of it and thought it was an actual drug deal.”
And he didn’t want anybody moving drugs through the White House?
“No, he wanted his cut.”
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