Both Rick “Let Me Work This Ukraine Shit Off My Shoes With The Butter Knife Of Resignation’” Perry, the Secretary of Energy, and Nicki “I’d Sure Like To See Mike Pence Have A Stroke” Hailey, unofficial schemer after the Vice-Presidency, bolstered their standing with Trump by declaring that the Almighty designated Trump to be President.
Trump has personally proclaimed himself the Chosen One.
This makes a lot of religious people, as well as most irreligious people, gag, but not me. I think it helps prove my own privately held theological tenet, which is that God hates everybody and wants us all to die.
As a matter of fact, we all do die, which is Exhibit A in proving my case, but Trump provides a strong Exhibit B. We shouldn’t take it personally. God has been creating things, growing to hate them, and extincting them since the beginning of time, from the proto-continent of Pangea to the dinosaurs to the wooly mammoths to the Sumatran rhino, which He hated into extinction just a few days ago.
He has hated humankind essentially since He concocted us, if either the rib theory or the evolutionary one is followed, and has made numerous attempts to exterminate us since we climbed down from the trees and decided to go for a walk. A nice big flood was just the start. Supervolcanoes, tsunamis, massive earthquakes, plagues and such have marked His determined effort to eradicate us from the face of the earth. He has enlisted Mongols, Nazis Communists and Ted Bundy to ally with Him in killing off as many humans as possible in a short period of time, and seems to be, in His own markedly sardonic way, inventing new diseases as quickly as we can find cures for the old ones.
In Trump, He may have found a perfect foil. Whether by abolishing regulations or withdrawing from treaties that make a faint attempt to keep us from cooking in our own crock pot of hydrocarbons or randomly pressing the nuclear button just to put an end to CNN, Trump seems determined that humanity not outlive him, which may very well be God’s will.
If so, then it was the hand of Jesus on the wrist of Trump that guided him to every pussy he ever grabbed.
It was God standing behind Putin, Comey and Facebook while they pushed Trump over the finish line in 2016. He was also breathing down the necks of the Founding Fathers when they invented the Electoral College.
It was God’s will that we have the Republican party of today, anally raped by a mushroom dick and left prostrate before an incompetent orange weasel. I mean, they always deserved it, but still, watching them bury their noses in the cellulite of Trump’s hiney is enough to make anyone wince.
But not God. God looks down on Trump and thinks, “Look at Trump. He accepts blame for nothing, thinks he deserves credit for everything, and is constantly up to shady shit."
“Truly, this is one I made in My own image.”