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So, this, the most sordid election in living memory, will be decided tomorrow by the actual voters, instead of the Russians and the FBI. The public will have the choice between a candidate who is embarrassed by some of the emails she and her buddies exchanged, and a candidate who usually speaks in this formulation. 1. Lie. 2. Make promise he can’t possibly fulfill. 3. Brag about how well he's done something. 4.Threaten to sue somebody. 5. Lie outrageously.
The choice seems obvious here, but the polls, which were rigged a few weeks ago when one candidate was far behind, and have returned to accuracy now that he is closing the gap, say this is going to be a very close election, just like they said the last time, when Obama was supposed to win by a whisker and instead he won by 5 million whiskers.
So, Democrats can take some comfort there, but even if the majority of America’s voters choose a man who doesn’t pay taxes, give a dime to charity, shortchanges everybody he does business with and has probably paid for more abortions than Planned Parenthood, some things won’t change. Likewise, if Hillary pulls through, and gives Congress the treat of investigating her for the next four years instead of doing any actual governing, these truths will remain eternal. Here are the Top Ten of them:
10. Cubs still won the World Series.
9. Everybody will get to keep their guns.
8. Paul Ryan will still be obsessed with “entitlement reform,” which is code for taking money away from poor old people so billionaires can have lower taxes.
7. The Pope will remain Catholic. Bears will still defecate in the woods. Pigs' asses will continue to be composed of pork.
8. Taco trucks will be seen on selected corners.
6. Canada will start having a younger, better-looking leader than the US.
4. Jesus will not return.
3. A kiss will be just a kiss. A sigh will remain a sigh, as four years go by.
2. A stadium beer will still cost more than the hourly wage in most US cities.
And the Number One thing that will happen no matter who wins?
The First Spouse will be a whore.
The choice seems obvious here, but the polls, which were rigged a few weeks ago when one candidate was far behind, and have returned to accuracy now that he is closing the gap, say this is going to be a very close election, just like they said the last time, when Obama was supposed to win by a whisker and instead he won by 5 million whiskers.
So, Democrats can take some comfort there, but even if the majority of America’s voters choose a man who doesn’t pay taxes, give a dime to charity, shortchanges everybody he does business with and has probably paid for more abortions than Planned Parenthood, some things won’t change. Likewise, if Hillary pulls through, and gives Congress the treat of investigating her for the next four years instead of doing any actual governing, these truths will remain eternal. Here are the Top Ten of them:
10. Cubs still won the World Series.
9. Everybody will get to keep their guns.
8. Paul Ryan will still be obsessed with “entitlement reform,” which is code for taking money away from poor old people so billionaires can have lower taxes.
7. The Pope will remain Catholic. Bears will still defecate in the woods. Pigs' asses will continue to be composed of pork.
8. Taco trucks will be seen on selected corners.
6. Canada will start having a younger, better-looking leader than the US.
4. Jesus will not return.
3. A kiss will be just a kiss. A sigh will remain a sigh, as four years go by.
2. A stadium beer will still cost more than the hourly wage in most US cities.
And the Number One thing that will happen no matter who wins?
The First Spouse will be a whore.
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