Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbucks, has encouraged his baristas to write "Race Together" on Starbuck's customer's drink cups and engage them in thoughtful conversations about race in America while serving them their beverages.
The following conversations have been selected by other Starbucks executives as the ten best results of this policy:
10: "Here's your Caramel Macchiatto. It reminds me of my great-grandmother, whose name was Carmen Maccio. She was Italian, and when she came to this country, Italians weren't regarded as white. But now they are. So there's hope for you."
9: "Flat white expresso? I'd be too self-conscious to order that if I was a flat white skank like you. Just saying."
8: "This Hazelnut Frappuccino is a perfect microcosm of race in America. At the top it is as creamy white as a gated neighborhood, save for a sprinkling of rich, light-brown flavoring that is like rappers, ballers and Kardashian offspring. Underneath it is a mellow brown like contented Mexican landscapers, and at the bottom are a few burnt, bitter grounds that are black and should be avoided at all costs. Enjoy."
7: "I'm Jewish, so I'm only working here until I finish college."
6: "Know why I wrote 'Gay Together' instead of 'Race Together' on your cup? Because I think you're hot."
5: "This Starbucks is in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. We're all white here, and we don't mind that."
4: "Sure, the coffee and the pastries are better at Dunkin' Donuts, so thanks for coming here even though you're a Hindu and your relatives probably own a Dunkin' Donuts."
3: "Here's your spinach and feta wrap. Did you know feta cheese is very popular in the Middle East? But you're being smart by eating it here, because everybody over there wants to kill us."
2: "Java Chip Light is one of our coffee drink flavors, but I think it would make a great name for a really inoffensive rap duo as well."
1: "Yeah, I know Howard Schultz is my boss, and he's probably overcome with guilt about being a rich white guy with a Nazi surname, but why lay it off on me? In my opinion the guy shouldn't even be CEO of his own ass."
Author's note: As of yesterday, Starbucks had cancelled its "Race Together" outreach. Just when it was getting interesting, so too bad about that.