Pineapple Crush in print as of today! Links on the side to buy. If you want a signed copy, I'll be doing book signings that will be publicized here and on Facebook. If we're geographically incompatible, then contact [email protected] we can mail a copy back and forth.
In the meantime, been busy, so here's a classic for you:
My Significant Other is having surgery this week and needs to put an auto-response on each of her email accounts so people won't wonder why she isn't responding to their cyber-nagging while she is undergoing a major operation and the subsequent excruciating rehab.
Kindly and useful mate that I am, I've composed these suggestions for her. One of them, I am sure, will suit her current mood perfectly:
10: "I'm lying on an operating table while people look for new places to stick tubes in me, so I've got some fresh ideas on where you can stick your endless whiny emails."
9: "You're worried about the deadline? I'm worried about my flat-line. What a coincidence!"
8: "You want a report? Come look at the chart on my hospital bed. There's your frigging report."
7: "My doctor says it will be at least two weeks before I can look at any kitten videos, so keep them to yourself until then. And, you know, if you quit forwarding them forever nobody would really mind. Especially me. If I live."
6: "I was just chatting with my dead relatives. They don't give a crap about your emails, and neither do I."
5: "Reading your emails would sap my will to live. I'm sure you understand."
4: "I'm in a medically-induced coma. What's your excuse?"
3: "I'll be taking a quick look up the Tunnel of Light before I get back to you on that."
2: "You forgot I'm having a serious medical problem and put an annoying smiley face on that email like you always do, not realizing that my health is so precarious I could die of exasperation, right? That's why I'm blocking it."
AND THE NUMBER ONE EMAIL AUTO-RESPONSE WHEN YOU ARE IN THE HOSPITAL HAVING SURGERY IS:
"If this is absolutely urgent, contact my anesthesiologist and tell him to keep me under until you figure it out for yourself."
In the meantime, been busy, so here's a classic for you:
My Significant Other is having surgery this week and needs to put an auto-response on each of her email accounts so people won't wonder why she isn't responding to their cyber-nagging while she is undergoing a major operation and the subsequent excruciating rehab.
Kindly and useful mate that I am, I've composed these suggestions for her. One of them, I am sure, will suit her current mood perfectly:
10: "I'm lying on an operating table while people look for new places to stick tubes in me, so I've got some fresh ideas on where you can stick your endless whiny emails."
9: "You're worried about the deadline? I'm worried about my flat-line. What a coincidence!"
8: "You want a report? Come look at the chart on my hospital bed. There's your frigging report."
7: "My doctor says it will be at least two weeks before I can look at any kitten videos, so keep them to yourself until then. And, you know, if you quit forwarding them forever nobody would really mind. Especially me. If I live."
6: "I was just chatting with my dead relatives. They don't give a crap about your emails, and neither do I."
5: "Reading your emails would sap my will to live. I'm sure you understand."
4: "I'm in a medically-induced coma. What's your excuse?"
3: "I'll be taking a quick look up the Tunnel of Light before I get back to you on that."
2: "You forgot I'm having a serious medical problem and put an annoying smiley face on that email like you always do, not realizing that my health is so precarious I could die of exasperation, right? That's why I'm blocking it."
AND THE NUMBER ONE EMAIL AUTO-RESPONSE WHEN YOU ARE IN THE HOSPITAL HAVING SURGERY IS:
"If this is absolutely urgent, contact my anesthesiologist and tell him to keep me under until you figure it out for yourself."
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