“He just made a huge move by letting everybody know he thought slavery was a necessary evil,” said one of the award committee members, who preferred to remain anonymous. “I mean, he was on the radar before, just because we take notice of ghastly yet pious warmongers over here—we feel ya, Liz Cheney—but it’s not enough to make you stand out. But slapping that “necessary evil” right up next to “slavery?” That’s enough to start a groundswell!
“I have to admit, the award committee was leaning towards Rand Paul or Bill Barr. Paul, for getting the coronavirus and exposing everyone else in the Senate to it—only a really selfish poop-for-brains would do that. And Barr, for turning the Justice Department into a personal-injury firm for Trump’s ego. It was going to be close, just like last year’s Arsys, when Devin Nunes narrowly beat out Brett Kavanaugh. It was a proud moment for the House, which seldom shows up in the nominations. Not that there’s not plenty of appalling Republican shitheads in the House, but there’s almost too many, if you know what I mean. Their constant barking kind of steps over each other’s messages. It’s not that we don’t love them. Most days it's all I can do to keep myself from going over to the Capitol and start scratching Matt Gaetz or Louie Gohmert behind the ear and saying, “Good boy! Good shithead!” and then watch them do that funny thing with their legs.
“But that slavery remark, that’s going to be legend. I mean snatching a batch of people from another continent, breeding and selling them, forcing them to pick cotton for agricultural oligarchs, then setting them free at the cost of a civil war, then pushing them into segregation and keeping them humble about it by beatings, rapes and lynchings, forcing them to start a civil rights movement so they could do basic things like vote and live in the suburbs, to today, where they’ve come so far the only thing they have left to complain about is randomly getting shot to death by cops or vigilantes—it’s evil, sure, but it’s NECESSARY!
“That’s the kind of thinking that wins a dude the Arsy. Republicans know that there’s evil in the world, but the important thing for them is to believe NONE OF IT IS THEIR FAULT! That’s where Cotton comes in. Even three-time Arsy winners like Ted Cruz are going to be cheering when the Senator from Arkansas strides on stage like a colossus.”
“I’m sure I won’t be able to keep myself from crying.”