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Putting together an anthology post today—stuff I just can’t pass up but strikes me as unworthy of devoting my entire 500 words to.
For example, if your cell phone has so infuriated you that you want to piss on it, now you can tell if you’re pregnant while doing so.
Also, the stupid but attractive and entrepreneurial young woman who spent her entire net worth on Powerball tickets, lost, and then started a GoFundMe page so people could help her get through the month. She had already collected eight hundred or so dollars when GoFundMe shut her down, on the grounds that she might be a fraud.
My answer to that is, so what? Since when can’t fakes beg for money? Or do you really think that every guy with a cardboard sign at a major intersection is a real veteran? Nobody gets on those guy’s cases for stolen valor, or even follows them when they go off duty, to see if they are really homeless.
Plus the Powerball loser earned the followingcomment on her page:
“Guuuuuuuuuuurl…….I ‘SWEATERGAAAAAWD’ if I see one person give you one rusty copper penny I will spend ten times what you spent on lottery tickets on PLANE tickets to fly to their humble abode so spoiled in riches that they can afford to make it rain on Sweet Brown like ratchet humans such as you who choose to spend their cash on Remy, Flaming Hot Cheetos, VOSS Water and Powerball , and commence to kicking every single one of their asses!!!”
This is nearly in English, so it only took me three or four readings to determine it was merely an idle threat by an illiterate person, something I’ve experienced myself many times, but, as people with a more charitable view of human nature than mine have told me, you can learn something from anybody. What they really mean is you can learn something from Google, and Google told me a “ratchet human” is someone behaving irrationally. Also, I was previously unaware of the Sweater God, and now I can waft a prayer heavenwards to that toasty warm deity anytime I feel the need for His well-knitted intercession.
Then there was the emergency room physician in New York who was accused of putting a female patient under with morphine and thenspanking his monkey until it spat on her face. The lesson here is that being a doctor means you never have to buy roofies on the street, unlike Bill Cosby, who had to score his ‘ludes like any common frat boy, because he just played a doctor on TV.
A sorority house at a Florida university was criticized for its recruitment video, which featured members of the sorority dancing around in undersized bikinis. The video, which, sadly, has been removed from YouTube, was said to be suspiciously well-produced and the women in it suspiciously well-endowed. In defending itself, the sorority pointed out that the video was not merely a bouncy exercise in white girl privilege and a body-shaming warning to overweight women not to apply for membership, but that it benefited the sorority’s charity, which helps the visually challenged. It is the first time in human history that bikini girls have danced for blind guys without it being utterly pointless.
10% of recent college graduates think Judge Judy serves on the Supreme Court, and ten percent of those think she got her job as a Justice by having sex with Antonin Scalia.
Finally, there was the “taco cleanse.” I don’t ordinarily do cleanses, which consist of ingesting only one food substance, usually a juice and an unpleasant one, like beet, for far too long of a time, like a week or ten days, because at my age I feel I might accidentally rid myself of something swirling around in my body I need to stay alive. The taco cleanse consists of eating nothing but tacos morning, noon and night and if you get up in the middle of the night you can have a taco then, too.
Turns out the whole cleanse was a satire perpetuated by some smartass on the Internet. Too bad. It was delicious.
For example, if your cell phone has so infuriated you that you want to piss on it, now you can tell if you’re pregnant while doing so.
Also, the stupid but attractive and entrepreneurial young woman who spent her entire net worth on Powerball tickets, lost, and then started a GoFundMe page so people could help her get through the month. She had already collected eight hundred or so dollars when GoFundMe shut her down, on the grounds that she might be a fraud.
My answer to that is, so what? Since when can’t fakes beg for money? Or do you really think that every guy with a cardboard sign at a major intersection is a real veteran? Nobody gets on those guy’s cases for stolen valor, or even follows them when they go off duty, to see if they are really homeless.
Plus the Powerball loser earned the followingcomment on her page:
“Guuuuuuuuuuurl…….I ‘SWEATERGAAAAAWD’ if I see one person give you one rusty copper penny I will spend ten times what you spent on lottery tickets on PLANE tickets to fly to their humble abode so spoiled in riches that they can afford to make it rain on Sweet Brown like ratchet humans such as you who choose to spend their cash on Remy, Flaming Hot Cheetos, VOSS Water and Powerball , and commence to kicking every single one of their asses!!!”
This is nearly in English, so it only took me three or four readings to determine it was merely an idle threat by an illiterate person, something I’ve experienced myself many times, but, as people with a more charitable view of human nature than mine have told me, you can learn something from anybody. What they really mean is you can learn something from Google, and Google told me a “ratchet human” is someone behaving irrationally. Also, I was previously unaware of the Sweater God, and now I can waft a prayer heavenwards to that toasty warm deity anytime I feel the need for His well-knitted intercession.
Then there was the emergency room physician in New York who was accused of putting a female patient under with morphine and thenspanking his monkey until it spat on her face. The lesson here is that being a doctor means you never have to buy roofies on the street, unlike Bill Cosby, who had to score his ‘ludes like any common frat boy, because he just played a doctor on TV.
A sorority house at a Florida university was criticized for its recruitment video, which featured members of the sorority dancing around in undersized bikinis. The video, which, sadly, has been removed from YouTube, was said to be suspiciously well-produced and the women in it suspiciously well-endowed. In defending itself, the sorority pointed out that the video was not merely a bouncy exercise in white girl privilege and a body-shaming warning to overweight women not to apply for membership, but that it benefited the sorority’s charity, which helps the visually challenged. It is the first time in human history that bikini girls have danced for blind guys without it being utterly pointless.
10% of recent college graduates think Judge Judy serves on the Supreme Court, and ten percent of those think she got her job as a Justice by having sex with Antonin Scalia.
Finally, there was the “taco cleanse.” I don’t ordinarily do cleanses, which consist of ingesting only one food substance, usually a juice and an unpleasant one, like beet, for far too long of a time, like a week or ten days, because at my age I feel I might accidentally rid myself of something swirling around in my body I need to stay alive. The taco cleanse consists of eating nothing but tacos morning, noon and night and if you get up in the middle of the night you can have a taco then, too.
Turns out the whole cleanse was a satire perpetuated by some smartass on the Internet. Too bad. It was delicious.
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