Ahh, San Diego! Tucked into our own little corner of the country, antipodal to Maine, hemmed in by colossal traffic to the north, Mexico to the south, the blue Pacific to the west and endless miles on the interstate before you get anyplace else to the east, we've developed our own subculture, and we're proud of it. Not that we're perfect. We know we're only one of two big cities with both a major league baseball team and an NFL franchise that has never won either a Super Bowl or a World Series. (Here's to you, Houston. Thanks for keeping us company.) We have Denny's, not diners, and a Starbucks every couple hundred feet when we could really use a Dunkin' Donuts or two. When it rains in July we don't rush indoors—we stand outside and look at the sky in wonder, and we just giggle at the Canadians hitting the beach in January, when the water temp generally hovers in the mid-fifties. But being a true San Diegan, whether a native or an import item like myself, means never saying certain things. For those of you planning to relocate here, here are twenty of them. Start practicing is my advice.
This is the Padres' year.
I always carry an umbrella—just in case.
The fastest way to get anywhere? Take the 805.
I've never been to Sea World.
The bar here only has one beer on tap.
I don't really have a favorite taco shop.
My gardener doesn't speak Spanish.
This is the Chargers' year.
I've never been to Tijuana.
You're wearing a hoodie with shorts? That's weird.
You're going to the river? What river?
All my grandparents were born in San Diego.
Any sunscreen will do. The SPF doesn't matter.
I don't know anybody who's had cosmetic surgery.
Don't take the subway at night.
Who puts fish in a taco? That's disgusting.
There's a strip mall in my neighborhood that doesn't have a Mexican restaurant or a sushi bar.
I love living here, but nobody in my family ever wants to come visit me.
LA's the place.
This is the Padres' year.
I always carry an umbrella—just in case.
The fastest way to get anywhere? Take the 805.
I've never been to Sea World.
The bar here only has one beer on tap.
I don't really have a favorite taco shop.
My gardener doesn't speak Spanish.
This is the Chargers' year.
I've never been to Tijuana.
You're wearing a hoodie with shorts? That's weird.
You're going to the river? What river?
All my grandparents were born in San Diego.
Any sunscreen will do. The SPF doesn't matter.
I don't know anybody who's had cosmetic surgery.
Don't take the subway at night.
Who puts fish in a taco? That's disgusting.
There's a strip mall in my neighborhood that doesn't have a Mexican restaurant or a sushi bar.
I love living here, but nobody in my family ever wants to come visit me.
LA's the place.
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