Nor did he blame the disaster victims in Dixie for bringing the disaster on themselves like he blamed Californians for letting themselves burn up last year by failing to rake their forests. He didn’t have to, because the God-fearing folk of Alabama, being good Christians, regard all natural disasters as part of God’s plan, so they blamed themselves already. It never seems to occur to them that if that is the case, God is a pretty shitty planner. No, they believe that somehow they deserved to have meteorological havoc wreaked upon their trailers and pickup trucks. They knew that they had sinned in some way that deserved a big-time smiting, whether it was letting somebody drive through their town while transporting a gay wedding cake, or permitting member of Planned Parenthood to buy a bag of fried pork rinds at the local Piggly-Wiggly.
Also, a tornado is the natural disaster that most closely resembles the Rapture, in that people are getting sucked up into the sky, although the resemblance ends when tornado victims get slammed back down again. Still, it’s good practice.
The fake news media pointed out that Trump was signing the Bibles with his pussy-grabbing hand, and also that asking him to sign your Bible was like asking the Pope to sign your copy of Hustler. None of that disturbed the tornado victims, because of their immense respect for the man who is intent on building a wall on Alabama’s border with Mexico, which some of them think their state actually has. One woman was heard to say prayerfully, “I know there’s a reason for all this,” as Trump smudged her Bible with his spray-tanned fingers.
And she is correct. We know the reason tornadoes form. Here’s a link to the “Tornado” page on Wikipedia. I’m sure it’s in there somewhere.
What it also probably says in there is that is that we can’t really predict when tornadoes are going to form, or where they are going to go when they do. What we can say for sure is that it gave Trump a chance to pretend to give a shit about somebody besides himself, in a week where it was discovered his Super Bowl party was attended by the original owner of the chain of whorehouses that Pats owner Robert Kraft favors for a rub-and-tug, and it turned out the old madam was peddling her influence with Trump to her Chinese billionaire pals, no doubt with free handjobs for all thrown in.
Swear on the Bible. Yeah, I’ve got one. And it was signed by Stormy Daniels.