The Son of Shitbird, DT Jr., whose sole purpose in life seems to be making people say to themselves, Jesus, what a hateful little twerp, advocated for more political arguments at Thanksgiving dinner. You know, the kind of Thanksgiving arguments that result in one offended family member storming out, finding a bar that’s open, getting drunk, sliding on an ice patch into a tree and getting seriously hurt and arrested, while all his relatives can think is “Serves that idiot right.”
But I accept the challenge. Here are some suggestions:
Fuck Prayers and Pilgrims—Let’s Eat: A celebration for crusty, hungry old atheists. Anybody who produces a paper on which an original, rather lengthy Thanksgiving prayer of gratitude is written has to eat in the yard. As it should be.
Taco Thursday, or A Spliff Before Supper: Legal weed makes this version of the holiday possible. Everybody is too baked to bake a turkey, so one designated stoner gets to drive to the nearest Jack-In-The-Box and order takeout tacos, with a minimum order of 15 per person.
Drunk Racist Uncle Day: A toast to the guys who really enjoy the holiday the most.
Carbon and Carbohydrates Day: Eliminate the whole antiquated gratitude/Pilgrim angle and celebrate the real heroes of the feast—pie, stuffing, yams and jet fuel.
The Fourth Thursday in November: Bland “Happy Holidays” version of the day. Celebrated by buying plastic-wrapped turkey sandwiches at 7-11.
Trumpsgiving: No actual celebration of gratitude for anything, as its namesake has failed to demonstrate time and time again. Instead of turkey getting eaten, pussy gets grabbed. Junior family members have to bribe the patriarch to get any food at all, and in wealthier clans, a bus is parked in the yard and people take turns throwing each other under it.