Can't wear a MAGA hat to a funeral Trump’s got a funeral problem. Nobody wants him at theirs, because they know nothing screws up a memorial service like a bloated orange sack of self-regarding crap. And it’s only going to get worse. There’s lots of really old people who don’t want Trump at their funerals. The Queen of England, for one. Bush the First for another. The next guy that Putin poisons, for a third.
But what if McCain, looking at eternity, had forgiven Trump and allowed him to speak at his final service? Here’s the speech Trump would have most likely given:
“Boy, there’s a lot of people here. Almost as many as one of my rallies. Like I said the other day, though, I’m going to rent the biggest stadium in Texas to rally for Ted Cruz. Ted’s a senator too, did you know that? This crowd wouldn’t come close to filling up that stadium. But still, it’s a nice crowd.
“People say that John McCain was a hero, because he was shot down and captured. I didn’t say that. People say I should have said that. But I can say I know how John felt about that now, because being captured by the Vietnamese and kept in a cage for six years is about the same thing as being the victim of a rigged Witch Hunt! Mueller and his 17 Angry Democrats! That’s my personal Vietnam now, although back in the 70’s and 80’s it was worrying about VD and having a running tab at an abortion clinic. So now I’ve had two Vietnams. That’s one more than McCain, but who’s counting?
“People that work for me are here. I gave them the day off so they could be here. Mike, General Kelly, General Mattis! Shout out to all of you. It’s too bad my ex-employee Aretha Franklin couldn’t be here…she had to be at a different funeral (chuckles).
“One thing about a funeral, there’s NO COLLUSION! People tell me that’s the first thing they thought of when they heard John McCain was having a funeral. They thought, “McCain’s funeral is just like Trump’s unprecedentedly successful election campaign—there’s no collusion involved.
“Did you like the singing Marines? A lot of people didn’t know that Marines could sing, but my Marines can. They sound so good because I increased the military budget. When we get around to having that military parade next year, they’ll be singing in it. Count on that.
“We’re going to build the Wall. A lot of you are probably thinking, “It’s sad that McCain is dead, but it’s even sadder that we haven’t started on the Wall. Unless you’re in M-13, that is. Then you’re happy that you can cross the border anytime you want to rape white girls and vote Democratic. That’s why the Wall is way more important than anybody’s funeral.
“But it’s been great anyway. I mean, I’ll probably have at least ten times as many people at my next rally, but a lot of you skipped golf to be here, so I respect that. And none of you yelled “Lock her up!” even once, even though Crooked Hillary sold all of our uranium to the Russians, texted classified information to Nancy Pelosi and killed Anthony Bourdain to cover it up. Why doesn’t the Justice Department investigate that instead of my friends and kids, whom I barely know and who never told me anything about meeting any Russians?
"But this funeral is about John McCain, and I’ve got one thing to say about that—I hope he enjoys him being dead as much as I will.”
But what if McCain, looking at eternity, had forgiven Trump and allowed him to speak at his final service? Here’s the speech Trump would have most likely given:
“Boy, there’s a lot of people here. Almost as many as one of my rallies. Like I said the other day, though, I’m going to rent the biggest stadium in Texas to rally for Ted Cruz. Ted’s a senator too, did you know that? This crowd wouldn’t come close to filling up that stadium. But still, it’s a nice crowd.
“People say that John McCain was a hero, because he was shot down and captured. I didn’t say that. People say I should have said that. But I can say I know how John felt about that now, because being captured by the Vietnamese and kept in a cage for six years is about the same thing as being the victim of a rigged Witch Hunt! Mueller and his 17 Angry Democrats! That’s my personal Vietnam now, although back in the 70’s and 80’s it was worrying about VD and having a running tab at an abortion clinic. So now I’ve had two Vietnams. That’s one more than McCain, but who’s counting?
“People that work for me are here. I gave them the day off so they could be here. Mike, General Kelly, General Mattis! Shout out to all of you. It’s too bad my ex-employee Aretha Franklin couldn’t be here…she had to be at a different funeral (chuckles).
“One thing about a funeral, there’s NO COLLUSION! People tell me that’s the first thing they thought of when they heard John McCain was having a funeral. They thought, “McCain’s funeral is just like Trump’s unprecedentedly successful election campaign—there’s no collusion involved.
“Did you like the singing Marines? A lot of people didn’t know that Marines could sing, but my Marines can. They sound so good because I increased the military budget. When we get around to having that military parade next year, they’ll be singing in it. Count on that.
“We’re going to build the Wall. A lot of you are probably thinking, “It’s sad that McCain is dead, but it’s even sadder that we haven’t started on the Wall. Unless you’re in M-13, that is. Then you’re happy that you can cross the border anytime you want to rape white girls and vote Democratic. That’s why the Wall is way more important than anybody’s funeral.
“But it’s been great anyway. I mean, I’ll probably have at least ten times as many people at my next rally, but a lot of you skipped golf to be here, so I respect that. And none of you yelled “Lock her up!” even once, even though Crooked Hillary sold all of our uranium to the Russians, texted classified information to Nancy Pelosi and killed Anthony Bourdain to cover it up. Why doesn’t the Justice Department investigate that instead of my friends and kids, whom I barely know and who never told me anything about meeting any Russians?
"But this funeral is about John McCain, and I’ve got one thing to say about that—I hope he enjoys him being dead as much as I will.”
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