Thumbs up for dead McCain Seriously ill US Senator John McCain has let it be known that he doesn’t want Trump to attend his funeral, while people who Trump hates, namely Bush II and Obama, will be given places of honor at the ceremony. This artful kick in the nuts from beyond the grave has angered Trump, who doesn’t like attending funerals anyway, because they necessarily are about someone besides him. This column has obtained a leaked copy of the speech Trump intended to give at McCain’s last rites, if he was invited. The full text of it is reprinted below.
John McCain was the Senator from Arizona, a state I carried in my stunning electoral vote victory that people said would never happen. He was a Republican, although he didn’t always vote the way I wanted him to. He’s gone now, so Arizona will need a new Senator, so there’s another job I created, out of the more than three million I have since I became President. Can you believe that?
There’s a massive crowd here, massive. Biggest crowd I’ve seen since my last rally. That’s because John McCain’s family wasn’t there. But they’re here today. I see his wife, Cindy, and his daughter, Meghan. You’re a beautiful woman, Meghan. Not as beautiful as my daughter Ivanka, but still, at least an eight. Or a seven, maybe.
We’re going to sign a fantastic new treaty with North Korea, did you hear that? People said it couldn’t be done, but we’re doing it. It’ll be unprecedented in the history of the world, bigger and more peaceful than any treaty signed by anyone else, especially Obama. I know John would be proud of this treaty, because of the years he was held captive in North Korea. He was captured, did you know that?
Mostly I go to the funerals of people who weren’t captured.
And the wall—we’re going to build the greatest wall ever. And it’s going to be right in Arizona! I know John would have loved that wall, if he lived to see it built. But he got cancer. The problem with John was, when he got cancer, he went to some hospital in Phoenix, instead of going to Michael Cohen to get it fixed. Michael Cohen can fix anything. Trust me on that.
This is a great funeral, isn’t it? It’s great because I just passed the biggest tax cut in history. All funerals will be better now, because people who are about to have funerals will be happy they’re paying less taxes.
I see some Democrats out there, too. They’re obstructionists. I’m surprised they’re not trying to obstruct this funeral. Look at Cryin’ Chuck Schumer. See, he’s actually crying. Over Dyin' John McCain, who's actually dead.
John lost his battle with cancer. He also lost twice running for President. Does that make him a loser? My friends Bill Belichick and Bobby Knight say so. But I disagree, because I’m getting nicer as I get older. John’s no more of a loser than any other dead person. But any dead person’s a loser, don’t you agree?
This is probably going to be the best-rated funeral of all time. Until mine. If I have one. I’m the healthiest people ever to become President. Ask my doctor. You’ll probably all be dead before me. I won’t be able to come to all of your funerals, I’ll be too busy being President. So, enjoy me at this one.
What a great day, huh? Too bad about John being dead for it. But, really, it’s not so bad. We’ll still make America great again. It will probably be easier without him. (Laughs) That’s a joke. I’d like to say more, but it’s time for me to be swept out of here by the Secret Service so I can go watch myself on TV. Wait a second, did I mention God? God. There you go. And you can say Merry Christmas again, thanks to me.
John McCain was the Senator from Arizona, a state I carried in my stunning electoral vote victory that people said would never happen. He was a Republican, although he didn’t always vote the way I wanted him to. He’s gone now, so Arizona will need a new Senator, so there’s another job I created, out of the more than three million I have since I became President. Can you believe that?
There’s a massive crowd here, massive. Biggest crowd I’ve seen since my last rally. That’s because John McCain’s family wasn’t there. But they’re here today. I see his wife, Cindy, and his daughter, Meghan. You’re a beautiful woman, Meghan. Not as beautiful as my daughter Ivanka, but still, at least an eight. Or a seven, maybe.
We’re going to sign a fantastic new treaty with North Korea, did you hear that? People said it couldn’t be done, but we’re doing it. It’ll be unprecedented in the history of the world, bigger and more peaceful than any treaty signed by anyone else, especially Obama. I know John would be proud of this treaty, because of the years he was held captive in North Korea. He was captured, did you know that?
Mostly I go to the funerals of people who weren’t captured.
And the wall—we’re going to build the greatest wall ever. And it’s going to be right in Arizona! I know John would have loved that wall, if he lived to see it built. But he got cancer. The problem with John was, when he got cancer, he went to some hospital in Phoenix, instead of going to Michael Cohen to get it fixed. Michael Cohen can fix anything. Trust me on that.
This is a great funeral, isn’t it? It’s great because I just passed the biggest tax cut in history. All funerals will be better now, because people who are about to have funerals will be happy they’re paying less taxes.
I see some Democrats out there, too. They’re obstructionists. I’m surprised they’re not trying to obstruct this funeral. Look at Cryin’ Chuck Schumer. See, he’s actually crying. Over Dyin' John McCain, who's actually dead.
John lost his battle with cancer. He also lost twice running for President. Does that make him a loser? My friends Bill Belichick and Bobby Knight say so. But I disagree, because I’m getting nicer as I get older. John’s no more of a loser than any other dead person. But any dead person’s a loser, don’t you agree?
This is probably going to be the best-rated funeral of all time. Until mine. If I have one. I’m the healthiest people ever to become President. Ask my doctor. You’ll probably all be dead before me. I won’t be able to come to all of your funerals, I’ll be too busy being President. So, enjoy me at this one.
What a great day, huh? Too bad about John being dead for it. But, really, it’s not so bad. We’ll still make America great again. It will probably be easier without him. (Laughs) That’s a joke. I’d like to say more, but it’s time for me to be swept out of here by the Secret Service so I can go watch myself on TV. Wait a second, did I mention God? God. There you go. And you can say Merry Christmas again, thanks to me.
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