Ms. Wachs first attracted the attention of the sheriff by objecting to his uprooting of the local jail’s basketball hoops and donating them to local churches. No research by this author was successful in determining why the sheriff found it necessary to remove his inmates’ hoops privileges; however, giving the unused roundball gear to local houses of worship roused EllenBeth’s ire as an unconstitutional commingling of church and state.
This was possibly an atheistic overreach. To whom was the God-fearing sheriff supposed to donate the backboards? Local schools presumably have their own basketball courts and any individuals interested in home hoops have already bought one of those self-supporting basket-and-pole deals that infest every suburban cul-de-sac in the nation, annoying people by making the already challenging task of parallel parking a car on a circular curb even more difficult.
Certainly the sheriff wasn’t going to donate the nets to any atheist group. Besides running afoul of his Christian constituents, encouraging non-believers to play basketball is pointless, because it is a well-known fact that ATHEISTS CAN’T JUMP.
Wachs noted in her lawsuit that Polk County is “a predominately Christian county.” Well, of course it is. The author’s brother, who moved from the Northeast corridor to the rural South some years ago, remarked upon the prominent locations and numbers of churches in his new neighborhood to this writer some time back and even made him aware of the Law of Church Names. To quote his sibling exactly:
“The more words in the title of your church the stranger the worship required. For instance “St Johns” = normal worship and tithing. “Calvary Baptist” = normal worship and tithing. “Church of the Never Ending Waters of Christ’s Eternal Love”= some snake kissing and wife swapping required.”
Subsequent to her locking horns with the sheriff, Wachs has been arrested for impersonating a lawyer, possession of marijuana and making simulated sex noises within earshot of a ten-year-old boy.
EllenBeth is a retired lawyer, so she can hardly be blamed for thinking she still is one. No details on the pot charges were available, but details on the sex charges proved fascinating, if somewhat incomplete. Basketball was again involved; the neighbor ten-year-old was engaged in a game of solitary hoops that Wachs, who was feeling unwell at the time (possibly true, but also possibly a journalistic euphemism for being drunk) found too noisy. To distract herself, she apparently engaged in a solitary sex act that the boy and his parents found too noisy; Sheriff Judd was called, and Wachs arrested.
That there are holes in the prosecution’s case is not to be doubted. Was the act real or merely faked? Is either illegal under Florida law, which just recently was amended to ban sex with goats? If Wach’s moaning had not been a result of onanism, or simulated onanism, but as a result of her husband’s (she has one) or anyone else’s (the sheriff, any of his men, the sheriff’s wife or mother, etc.) efforts to arouse her by tempting the lascivious imp that lurks near the surface of every atheist’s soul, would that also be illegal?
Should every resident of Florida, or at least of Polk County, be advised to check for the presence of ten-year-old boys playing basketball before “blowing their tops,” sexually, lest they find themselves in handcuffs? Should the phrase “Put down that basketball, son, Mommy and Daddy are about to get it on,” be uttered before every attempt at sexual congress in the state? In the interests of both gender and sports equality, should ten year-old-girls playing soccer be similarly afforded the protective services of law enforcers like Sheriff Judd?
These are questions that will undoubtedly have to be sorted out by the Supreme Court, eventually. Clarence Thomas is licking his lips. Two things are for certain, though. If Wachs had been moaning while enjoying the carnal company of a goat, her guilt would be all but certain, and, more importantly, if performing the gastrointestinal ostrich is ever made illegal in Florida, they had better plan on having a lot more inmates in their jails. They’d better get those basketball hoops back from those churches