This column seldom makes predictions, owing to the author’s terrible record in activities in which soothsaying is useful, like betting on horses or winning the lottery. But we’re willing to go out on a limb this particular Thursday, and say that one day, Mike Pence will become President number 46.
Not that he’ll ever be voted into office. There are less appealing Republicans out there—Ted Cruz, Mitch McConnell—but saying that there are less appealing Republicans than Pence is like saying that there are less appealing pastimes than watching Dr. Pimple Popper while eating lunch. There are, but you don’t even want to think about them.
The only way Pence avoids the Presidency is if Trump wins in 2020, which he seems determined not to do. He is trailing every single Democrat this side of Anthony Weiner in the polls. The Traitor Tot has even proposed that he be given an extra two years in the Presidency, because he “lost” two years while the Mueller investigation methodically proved he was a mendacious bag of feces. He has a point—neutral observers knew that all along. But the Presidency is not a hockey game. You can’t earn an overtime.
There are several ways that Pence could make 46. Trump could die of natural causes, if you could call a fat guy snarfing down a fatal cheeseburger on the golf course natural rather than merely predictable. “I’m a vibrant young man,’ he could choke out, as his arteries finally slammed shut. “Somebody call a doctor. And kick my last shot back onto the fairway.”
The result would be both dancing in the city streets and a great wailing in the hinterlands, as Trumpists everywhere would claim that Trump had sacrificed his health to save the country from caravan hordes and Muslim baddies, although the only documented sacrifice Trump has ever made was of 130,00 beans to screw a porn star. There would be a rush to name things after the fallen leader. In red states, bridges and community colleges. In blue ones, sewage treatment plants. Also, we would get President Pence.
Or Trump could get impeached and removed from office. The head Dems are on the record as reluctant to impeach, because they know they won’t get the Republicans in the Senate to go along and convict the guy, even as those same Dems poop a little in their pants in fear. Justified fear, because they know for certain that at least half of their party is dumb enough to think impeachment alone will remove Trump from office, and will turn on them in the next election. And they’re right—Republicans will never convict Trump, unless Putin gets salty at not getting Venezuela along with the Ukraine, and finally posts the pee tapes to Pornhub. And even then, it will be close.
But if that happens, we get President Pence.
What will happen for sure, though, if Trump is defeated by any of the horde of Democrats who currently seem up to the job, he will not go gracefully. He will naturally claim that the six to nine million votes he will lose by will have been illegally cast. He will rumble about overstaying his term, but in the end, he will realize that while Fox News and Moscow put him in the White House, they have no legal power to keep him there.
So, he will resign, along about December, after pardoning himself and anyone else who ever lied, stole or cheated on his behalf, and getting assurances from Pence that he will get a pardon, too.
And we get President Pence, the lame-duckiest, most useless President the US will have ever had. Evangelicals will gush that they finally have the President they've always dreamed of, one that is absolutely opposed to abortion and gay people not being ashamed of themselves, although their joy will be limited to about seven weeks. Pence himself will get what he’s always wanted—a portrait in the White House and a T-shirt that reads, “I was # 46.”
I predict this because Trump will refuse to stand on the same Inaugural stage as the man or woman who beats him. He doesn’t have the class. Prove me wrong.
Not that he’ll ever be voted into office. There are less appealing Republicans out there—Ted Cruz, Mitch McConnell—but saying that there are less appealing Republicans than Pence is like saying that there are less appealing pastimes than watching Dr. Pimple Popper while eating lunch. There are, but you don’t even want to think about them.
The only way Pence avoids the Presidency is if Trump wins in 2020, which he seems determined not to do. He is trailing every single Democrat this side of Anthony Weiner in the polls. The Traitor Tot has even proposed that he be given an extra two years in the Presidency, because he “lost” two years while the Mueller investigation methodically proved he was a mendacious bag of feces. He has a point—neutral observers knew that all along. But the Presidency is not a hockey game. You can’t earn an overtime.
There are several ways that Pence could make 46. Trump could die of natural causes, if you could call a fat guy snarfing down a fatal cheeseburger on the golf course natural rather than merely predictable. “I’m a vibrant young man,’ he could choke out, as his arteries finally slammed shut. “Somebody call a doctor. And kick my last shot back onto the fairway.”
The result would be both dancing in the city streets and a great wailing in the hinterlands, as Trumpists everywhere would claim that Trump had sacrificed his health to save the country from caravan hordes and Muslim baddies, although the only documented sacrifice Trump has ever made was of 130,00 beans to screw a porn star. There would be a rush to name things after the fallen leader. In red states, bridges and community colleges. In blue ones, sewage treatment plants. Also, we would get President Pence.
Or Trump could get impeached and removed from office. The head Dems are on the record as reluctant to impeach, because they know they won’t get the Republicans in the Senate to go along and convict the guy, even as those same Dems poop a little in their pants in fear. Justified fear, because they know for certain that at least half of their party is dumb enough to think impeachment alone will remove Trump from office, and will turn on them in the next election. And they’re right—Republicans will never convict Trump, unless Putin gets salty at not getting Venezuela along with the Ukraine, and finally posts the pee tapes to Pornhub. And even then, it will be close.
But if that happens, we get President Pence.
What will happen for sure, though, if Trump is defeated by any of the horde of Democrats who currently seem up to the job, he will not go gracefully. He will naturally claim that the six to nine million votes he will lose by will have been illegally cast. He will rumble about overstaying his term, but in the end, he will realize that while Fox News and Moscow put him in the White House, they have no legal power to keep him there.
So, he will resign, along about December, after pardoning himself and anyone else who ever lied, stole or cheated on his behalf, and getting assurances from Pence that he will get a pardon, too.
And we get President Pence, the lame-duckiest, most useless President the US will have ever had. Evangelicals will gush that they finally have the President they've always dreamed of, one that is absolutely opposed to abortion and gay people not being ashamed of themselves, although their joy will be limited to about seven weeks. Pence himself will get what he’s always wanted—a portrait in the White House and a T-shirt that reads, “I was # 46.”
I predict this because Trump will refuse to stand on the same Inaugural stage as the man or woman who beats him. He doesn’t have the class. Prove me wrong.
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