Sure, we know you you were still in love with your DT butt plug, but now there's something better! The future has arrived, ladies and gentlemen—The Smart Butt Plug is here. As oxymoronic as it may sound, this breakthrough device allows you to operate an anal intruder, called Hush, from anywhere in the world, in order to satisfy your romantic partner. Or your wife. Or a random stranger of any sex. Or, of course, yourself.
The era of messy, manual, musky butt play devices is drawing to a close. Now you can stimulate your chosen stimulatee from the cool, clean surface of your smart phone. None of that panting, clumsy foreplay you tend to rush through anyway. No complaints about untrimmed fingernails or unnecessary roughness. No necessity to be in the same room, or even time zone, as your beloved.
The SBP can be programmed in advance. It automatically remembers all your best moves. If you have a favorite song, it can be synced to it, which potentially lends a whole new meaning to the common couples’ practice of having a tune they designate as “our song.”
If both you and the object of your desire both have SBP’s, they can be synced to each other, so that both your butts are being romanced the same way at the same time.
Soon, when everybody at the table is staring and tapping on their phones instead of paying attention to you, you will no longer have to think resentfully that them looking at their stupid texts or playing Candy Crush is more interesting to them than your company, so they are idiots. They may all be remotely and intensely pleasuring their loved ones. Or strangers. Or themselves. If you interrupt them, they may start thinking you need to get the butt plug app so you can join the butt plug party. Take a look at them. Do you want them anywhere near your butt? Hell, no. Shut up and eat.
It’s only a matter of time before someone attaches a GoPro to a smart butt plug. This revealing but possibly somewhat uncomfortable butt breakthrough may result in a whole new category of porn. There is nothing the world has a bigger appetite for than porn. It will all be good.
Until your smart butt plug gets hacked. By who, we can’t predict here. You’ll only be able to tell when your butt plug starts behaving weirdly (We advocates of unlimited human progress dismiss the argument that having a smart butt plug is already behaving weirdly). Anonymous, the underground hacktivist group? Your butt plug is suddenly intensely interested in Hillary Clinton’s emails. Edward Snowden? Suddenly you want to move your butt to Moscow.
If your butt plug abruptly blows you up while you were doodling out a picture of Mohammed, you’ll know it was Isis.
Of course, pretty soon the government will insist on warnings on your smart butt plug, such as not using it while operating heavy equipment, or using it after consuming alcohol or certain medications, especially crystal meth.
The advice from here is to plug it in, dial it up, and bask in the rhythms of human progress. Science marches on, into the limitless future.
If you don’t agree, get your head out of your butt. Especially now that you’ve found something else to put there.
The era of messy, manual, musky butt play devices is drawing to a close. Now you can stimulate your chosen stimulatee from the cool, clean surface of your smart phone. None of that panting, clumsy foreplay you tend to rush through anyway. No complaints about untrimmed fingernails or unnecessary roughness. No necessity to be in the same room, or even time zone, as your beloved.
The SBP can be programmed in advance. It automatically remembers all your best moves. If you have a favorite song, it can be synced to it, which potentially lends a whole new meaning to the common couples’ practice of having a tune they designate as “our song.”
If both you and the object of your desire both have SBP’s, they can be synced to each other, so that both your butts are being romanced the same way at the same time.
Soon, when everybody at the table is staring and tapping on their phones instead of paying attention to you, you will no longer have to think resentfully that them looking at their stupid texts or playing Candy Crush is more interesting to them than your company, so they are idiots. They may all be remotely and intensely pleasuring their loved ones. Or strangers. Or themselves. If you interrupt them, they may start thinking you need to get the butt plug app so you can join the butt plug party. Take a look at them. Do you want them anywhere near your butt? Hell, no. Shut up and eat.
It’s only a matter of time before someone attaches a GoPro to a smart butt plug. This revealing but possibly somewhat uncomfortable butt breakthrough may result in a whole new category of porn. There is nothing the world has a bigger appetite for than porn. It will all be good.
Until your smart butt plug gets hacked. By who, we can’t predict here. You’ll only be able to tell when your butt plug starts behaving weirdly (We advocates of unlimited human progress dismiss the argument that having a smart butt plug is already behaving weirdly). Anonymous, the underground hacktivist group? Your butt plug is suddenly intensely interested in Hillary Clinton’s emails. Edward Snowden? Suddenly you want to move your butt to Moscow.
If your butt plug abruptly blows you up while you were doodling out a picture of Mohammed, you’ll know it was Isis.
Of course, pretty soon the government will insist on warnings on your smart butt plug, such as not using it while operating heavy equipment, or using it after consuming alcohol or certain medications, especially crystal meth.
The advice from here is to plug it in, dial it up, and bask in the rhythms of human progress. Science marches on, into the limitless future.
If you don’t agree, get your head out of your butt. Especially now that you’ve found something else to put there.
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