The decade drew to a close yesterday, kind of like a man frantic with diarrhea slamming a public restroom door shut behind him, and left numerous impressions on history—the usual wars, uprisings, crisis, disasters that every decade presents us with, plus Baby Yoda—but over the past four years of it, a consensus has emerged among the thoughtful—40% of all Americans are indelible morons.
That number has in the past been thought to be both higher and lower, but now can be solidly pegged at 40%, a discovery that can be laid at the feet of modern polling, Agent Orange and the Republican Party.
This is important information, probably the biggest scientific breakthrough of the decade, especially considering that I can’t think of any other ones. Couple pictures of black holes mugging each other, maybe, and a lot of new prescription drugs being advertised on TV featuring models that are definitely not sick in any way. There wasn’t even a new boner pill put on the market, for fuck’s sake.
The discovery of this data point can safely be extrapolated to the remainder of the human race. There’s no possibility that evolution has made Americans dumber than everybody else in the mere 243 years we have existed as a nation, although we worked at it. It applies to all humankind. From the moment we dropped out of the trees, a sizeable minority of us have been confused and easily manipulated, and there’s no reason to think that we won’t be plagued by the same average number of boneheads as we lurch into the future. The 40% will become as iconic as the 1%. For every six of us that want to clean up the earth and advance through the solar system to the stars, there will be four of us that stubbornly continue to think that space is a hoax, and for sure they ain’t gonna charge their diabetes carts with no windmill power.
When we finally encounter intelligent aliens, we will want to get out in front of this story. “By the way, 40% of us are oxy-popping, niece-fucking yickadoos,” is what should have been printed on that space probe we sent out into the galaxy, instead of just some nude pics and some nice music. Or we could have just mentioned the amount of time the committee that came up with that plaque spent arguing about how big the genitals on the naked humans should be, for surely there was such a committee and surely there was such an argument.
Otherwise, they might just be impressed by the fact that we are civilized enough to shoot stuff off our planet and we definitely do not want that.
Fortunately, we have also been introducing ourselves to the galaxy at the speed of light, by mastering the electromagnetic spectrum and using it to transmit our idiocy into every corner of space. Sure, we started off by giving advanced intelligent beings the impression that we were all good-looking, brave and ready at any instant to fall in love (think Baywatch) but lately we’ve been correcting that impression by sending them Mama June, The Duck people and Live PD.
So, if they’re plunging towards us to make first contact, they might very well hit the brakes around Neptune, make a hard left, and go looking for some other rookie species. But the Universe could be a funny place. It may turn out that the advanced aliens also have a hardcore bunch of dumbasses in their species, aliens that do nothing but flame alien libtards on social media, pray to Alien Jesus and swap alien dic picks, maybe even more than our idiots do, considering that each of the alien pinheads could have a dozen penises or more. The reason the advanced aliens are scorching through the galaxy is they are trying to get away from their own dimwits.
Now, there’s a plan.
That number has in the past been thought to be both higher and lower, but now can be solidly pegged at 40%, a discovery that can be laid at the feet of modern polling, Agent Orange and the Republican Party.
This is important information, probably the biggest scientific breakthrough of the decade, especially considering that I can’t think of any other ones. Couple pictures of black holes mugging each other, maybe, and a lot of new prescription drugs being advertised on TV featuring models that are definitely not sick in any way. There wasn’t even a new boner pill put on the market, for fuck’s sake.
The discovery of this data point can safely be extrapolated to the remainder of the human race. There’s no possibility that evolution has made Americans dumber than everybody else in the mere 243 years we have existed as a nation, although we worked at it. It applies to all humankind. From the moment we dropped out of the trees, a sizeable minority of us have been confused and easily manipulated, and there’s no reason to think that we won’t be plagued by the same average number of boneheads as we lurch into the future. The 40% will become as iconic as the 1%. For every six of us that want to clean up the earth and advance through the solar system to the stars, there will be four of us that stubbornly continue to think that space is a hoax, and for sure they ain’t gonna charge their diabetes carts with no windmill power.
When we finally encounter intelligent aliens, we will want to get out in front of this story. “By the way, 40% of us are oxy-popping, niece-fucking yickadoos,” is what should have been printed on that space probe we sent out into the galaxy, instead of just some nude pics and some nice music. Or we could have just mentioned the amount of time the committee that came up with that plaque spent arguing about how big the genitals on the naked humans should be, for surely there was such a committee and surely there was such an argument.
Otherwise, they might just be impressed by the fact that we are civilized enough to shoot stuff off our planet and we definitely do not want that.
Fortunately, we have also been introducing ourselves to the galaxy at the speed of light, by mastering the electromagnetic spectrum and using it to transmit our idiocy into every corner of space. Sure, we started off by giving advanced intelligent beings the impression that we were all good-looking, brave and ready at any instant to fall in love (think Baywatch) but lately we’ve been correcting that impression by sending them Mama June, The Duck people and Live PD.
So, if they’re plunging towards us to make first contact, they might very well hit the brakes around Neptune, make a hard left, and go looking for some other rookie species. But the Universe could be a funny place. It may turn out that the advanced aliens also have a hardcore bunch of dumbasses in their species, aliens that do nothing but flame alien libtards on social media, pray to Alien Jesus and swap alien dic picks, maybe even more than our idiots do, considering that each of the alien pinheads could have a dozen penises or more. The reason the advanced aliens are scorching through the galaxy is they are trying to get away from their own dimwits.
Now, there’s a plan.
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