Roxanne Jones, a former vice-president at ESPN, has published an op-ed piece in which she suggests that young college men should get an affirmative text message from prospective sexual partners before they get busy with them to avoid future accusations of rape.
This suggestion, coming as it does from someone who possibly invented the classic ESPN program format where two men shout at each other continuously about football between Viagra commercials, has to be taken seriously, despite the difficulty of putting it into practice. Critics of Cooper have claimed that two wasted young adults with nothing but sex on their youthful, marinated brains are not about to pull out their phones and start texting each other. They are wrong. There is no situation, including such dire ones as running from a tsunami or getting attacked by a pack of rabid feral hogs that young people will not stop in the middle of to fire off a quick text message. Cooper, as a part of the parent generation, does not see any problem with any inebriated young couple swiping out a terse but legally binding assent to getting lucky before grabbing each other by their naked parts. She, like me, has observed your typical millennial in action, and we both know it's kind of a miracle these kids are putting down their smartphones long enough to have sex anyway.
This advice does not apply to my generation, thank God. I might never get sex if I had to offer a text notification in advance. It takes me long minutes of concentration to type out a message in the near English language of text to my special lady even if it is as simple as we nead bere wnt 2 str wth yor dbt cd but 4got yr pin. brb as sooun as u txt it 2 me.
And it takes my girl nearly as long to type back Y MY DBT CD WHTS THE MATER WTH YR DBT CD????
And I message back i bougt thse stpd concrt tix u just had 2 have, rember? and the whole thing devolves into an episode of selfish electronic wrangling.
But I decided to give it a try, just to be refreshingly kinky, and texted her Hey, u want sex?
She texted back right away: may B who is this?
So sexting isn't working for us but I like the idea of proclaiming your innocence in advance when you are about to engage in some questionable activity. Texting Hey, we're going to have sex but it's going to be okay with you, even if you don't remember it, right? is one way of demonstrating your lack of criminal intent in court, should you be hauled there, and it's easily applied to other situations. For example, you can always text any interested cop:
I'm not even thinking of driving myself home after those eight beers and six shots of tequila I polished off at the Rumble Room, so no need to set up that checkpoint on my account.
Or:
Under no circumstances would I cruise to Nashville from Washington State with four pounds of Bubba Kush concealed beneath my emergency tire, so if you see a '98 Chevy Caprice with a Bob Marley bumper sticker accidentally run a red light in your town, just give me the ticket and leave that dope-sniffing dog in your car.
Or:
It's 3 AM and I'm not in back of a liquor store with a pry bar in my hands, so you don't need to bother driving down that alley with your spotlight on.
Of course the cops, like that girl you want to hook up with, would have to text back an amiable "10-4" or "Proceed with your mission" or "We're all locked down at the donut shop right now" for you to consider yourself completely in the clear.
And even if your date just types back "Duh" when you text her about the sex you think you are about to have, she might need to drop a critical part of you to do so. This could cause issues, especially as you guys get older.
But there's no use standing in the way of progress, men, so carry your cell phone into every possible sexual encounter. And if you're really smart, you'll tape a condom to it.
This suggestion, coming as it does from someone who possibly invented the classic ESPN program format where two men shout at each other continuously about football between Viagra commercials, has to be taken seriously, despite the difficulty of putting it into practice. Critics of Cooper have claimed that two wasted young adults with nothing but sex on their youthful, marinated brains are not about to pull out their phones and start texting each other. They are wrong. There is no situation, including such dire ones as running from a tsunami or getting attacked by a pack of rabid feral hogs that young people will not stop in the middle of to fire off a quick text message. Cooper, as a part of the parent generation, does not see any problem with any inebriated young couple swiping out a terse but legally binding assent to getting lucky before grabbing each other by their naked parts. She, like me, has observed your typical millennial in action, and we both know it's kind of a miracle these kids are putting down their smartphones long enough to have sex anyway.
This advice does not apply to my generation, thank God. I might never get sex if I had to offer a text notification in advance. It takes me long minutes of concentration to type out a message in the near English language of text to my special lady even if it is as simple as we nead bere wnt 2 str wth yor dbt cd but 4got yr pin. brb as sooun as u txt it 2 me.
And it takes my girl nearly as long to type back Y MY DBT CD WHTS THE MATER WTH YR DBT CD????
And I message back i bougt thse stpd concrt tix u just had 2 have, rember? and the whole thing devolves into an episode of selfish electronic wrangling.
But I decided to give it a try, just to be refreshingly kinky, and texted her Hey, u want sex?
She texted back right away: may B who is this?
So sexting isn't working for us but I like the idea of proclaiming your innocence in advance when you are about to engage in some questionable activity. Texting Hey, we're going to have sex but it's going to be okay with you, even if you don't remember it, right? is one way of demonstrating your lack of criminal intent in court, should you be hauled there, and it's easily applied to other situations. For example, you can always text any interested cop:
I'm not even thinking of driving myself home after those eight beers and six shots of tequila I polished off at the Rumble Room, so no need to set up that checkpoint on my account.
Or:
Under no circumstances would I cruise to Nashville from Washington State with four pounds of Bubba Kush concealed beneath my emergency tire, so if you see a '98 Chevy Caprice with a Bob Marley bumper sticker accidentally run a red light in your town, just give me the ticket and leave that dope-sniffing dog in your car.
Or:
It's 3 AM and I'm not in back of a liquor store with a pry bar in my hands, so you don't need to bother driving down that alley with your spotlight on.
Of course the cops, like that girl you want to hook up with, would have to text back an amiable "10-4" or "Proceed with your mission" or "We're all locked down at the donut shop right now" for you to consider yourself completely in the clear.
And even if your date just types back "Duh" when you text her about the sex you think you are about to have, she might need to drop a critical part of you to do so. This could cause issues, especially as you guys get older.
But there's no use standing in the way of progress, men, so carry your cell phone into every possible sexual encounter. And if you're really smart, you'll tape a condom to it.
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