Ready for her day at the zoo, Texas-style
The Attorney General of Texas has decided to bring a double serving of justice to offenders against the gun laws of Texas. In this vast state brimming with Second Amendment absolutists and enthusiastic open carriers, Ken Paxton has decreed that its gun laws, few that they may be, will be strictly enforced.
By this he means he will be investigating the prohibition of firearms at the Fort Worth Zoo and the Fort Worth Museum of Science and History. These institutions have had the temerity to ban both concealed and openly carried weapons from being worn inside their facilities, a prohibition that Paxton claims is not justified under Texas law.
This bold prosecution of institutions that thought they were above the will of the people is saluted by this column, and Paxton’s courage in going after the rogue zoo and the elitist museum, despite being under indictment for securities fraud himself, shows the depths of his devotion to the public safety of all Texans. If a man couldn’t pack heat to the zoo, he would find himself helpless in the event that a shift in the earth’s magnetic field or an earthquake definitely not started by fracking caused all the animal cages to spontaneously open, letting lions, tigers, bears and other animals of unknown dangerous potential (unknown because readin’ all those little dang signs in front of each cage is just too much trouble) loose upon the field-tripping children of Texas. What to an unarmed man would be a powerless witnessing of the slaughter of innocents would turn into a huntin' trip for the ages to a zoo-goer prudently packing heat.
Even if all the cages remain safely secured, we all know what kind of sinning goes on in the monkey pavilion, and if the kids start asking embarrassing questions about them critters abusing themselves, one warning shot will have them dropping their privates and scrambling about like ants on tater salad. And the monkeys will start behaving better, too.
The museum will get fixed, as well. Fortunately, the First Amendment already guarantees the right to bring Bibles into it, and now that Paxton is fighting for all Texans’ right to pack a pistol through those museum doors, the Second means that when all them docents start going on about the lie of evolution, all a right-thinking man has to do is take out his Glock and tap it gently against his Holy Book. That encourages them secular humanists to change the subject right quick into something Texans believe in. So not global warming. And nothing gay.
So we salute Ken Paxton, a man knows that guns guarantee freedom, especially the freedom for you to respect my opinion. And we’re behind him, even if he did commit securities fraud. It’s those people who were frauded against’s own fault.
He wouldn't have had the nerve if they’d been packing.
By this he means he will be investigating the prohibition of firearms at the Fort Worth Zoo and the Fort Worth Museum of Science and History. These institutions have had the temerity to ban both concealed and openly carried weapons from being worn inside their facilities, a prohibition that Paxton claims is not justified under Texas law.
This bold prosecution of institutions that thought they were above the will of the people is saluted by this column, and Paxton’s courage in going after the rogue zoo and the elitist museum, despite being under indictment for securities fraud himself, shows the depths of his devotion to the public safety of all Texans. If a man couldn’t pack heat to the zoo, he would find himself helpless in the event that a shift in the earth’s magnetic field or an earthquake definitely not started by fracking caused all the animal cages to spontaneously open, letting lions, tigers, bears and other animals of unknown dangerous potential (unknown because readin’ all those little dang signs in front of each cage is just too much trouble) loose upon the field-tripping children of Texas. What to an unarmed man would be a powerless witnessing of the slaughter of innocents would turn into a huntin' trip for the ages to a zoo-goer prudently packing heat.
Even if all the cages remain safely secured, we all know what kind of sinning goes on in the monkey pavilion, and if the kids start asking embarrassing questions about them critters abusing themselves, one warning shot will have them dropping their privates and scrambling about like ants on tater salad. And the monkeys will start behaving better, too.
The museum will get fixed, as well. Fortunately, the First Amendment already guarantees the right to bring Bibles into it, and now that Paxton is fighting for all Texans’ right to pack a pistol through those museum doors, the Second means that when all them docents start going on about the lie of evolution, all a right-thinking man has to do is take out his Glock and tap it gently against his Holy Book. That encourages them secular humanists to change the subject right quick into something Texans believe in. So not global warming. And nothing gay.
So we salute Ken Paxton, a man knows that guns guarantee freedom, especially the freedom for you to respect my opinion. And we’re behind him, even if he did commit securities fraud. It’s those people who were frauded against’s own fault.
He wouldn't have had the nerve if they’d been packing.
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