Scarlett Johansson, known testosterone precursor
A spokesman for the National Institute for Health announced today that the male hormone testosterone has been discovered to be a powerful mind-altering substance.
"Acid, psilocybin, Burmese Kush and even Kentucky moonshine are barely psychoactive compared to testosterone," he said. "The presence of the male hormone in their bodies insures that every man on the planet lives his life under a set of illusory beliefs. For example, have you ever wondered why every single American guy thinks he can coach his favorite football team better than its actual coach, even though the average fan just watches a couple games on TV every week and the coach has devoted his whole life to studying the sport? Have you ever thought why every golfer feels qualified to give Tiger Woods advice on his swing, or why your neighbor wants to show you how to put your prefab shed together, even though he keeps his tools under a tarp in the yard? Previously, we thought that these guys were just full of crap, but now we realize the answer lies in the hallucinatory effects of testosterone."
When questioned as to how the human race could possibly have advanced into civilization with half its members completely delusional at all times, the spokesman replied. "It explains a lot. When mankind was evolving, it was important that primitive men think that they were capable of meeting enormously difficult challenges, like killing woolly mammoths with pointed sticks and kicking saber-tooth tiger tail. Under the influence of testosterone, cave men could decide killing giant mammals for food and sport was easy. Of course it was not, and many cave guys died trying. Science tells us that the cave men that were actually capable of opening a can of whup-ass on a mammoth herd and winning smackdowns with cave bears are the ancestors of us all, even that whiny, scrawny guy on your block who wears support hose with Bermuda shorts and has to grab for his asthma inhaler every time he comes within fifty feet of your Chihuahua."
When it was pointed out to the spokesman that many people do not believe in evolution, he nodded. "Right. And that's probably on account of they know that guy, too. But civilization would not have happened without testosterone. Cave men would have just looked at herds of mammoths stampeding by their cave entrances and told each other "You first, cave bro," and humanity would still be living in the Stone Age.
"Likewise, all of the great conquerors who changed the course of history—Alexander the Great, Tamerlane, Genghis Khan—were obviously on intense testosterone trips when they pillaged great swaths of the globe. What we don't know from history are how many poor schmucks who called themselves Fred the Ferocious or Bob the Belligerent suffered from the same illusion, tried to put together their own hordes, but couldn't conquer their way past the closest tavern.
"The same for all of the great explorers. Only the ones that came back made the history books. We have all heard of the Portuguese explorer Vasco de Gama, the first man to navigate the Cape of Good Hope and sail to India, but no one remembers his brother Roscoe de Gama, who obviously was surging with the same hallucinatory hormone when he vowed to eclipse his brother by sailing to Mongolia, and then dying with all his men of starvation at sea because he refused to admit Mongolia was a landlocked country."
Another reporter pointed out that women's bodies also contain testosterone. Are women similarly tripping out at all times?
"We don't think so," the spokesman replied. "Women have much lower levels of the hormone in their bodies. We're not saying they're completely unaffected by it. Current thinking is that female levels of testosterone are just high enough for women to delude themselves into thinking that their men will shape up and actually make something of themselves.
"Of course the amount of testosterone in men's bodies decreases as they age as well. With more and more men living to advanced ages, we are confronted with a new phenomena—men who are actually experiencing life without being subject to fantasies caused by testosterone. These old guys are just living in cold, sober reality. They don't think they can hit a curve ball better than the guy who just struck out in the game they're watching, or that world peace would be best achieved by carpet-bombing the rest of the globe, or that they could sexually satisfy Scarlett Johansson far better than whomever she's currently sleeping with."
Should we then consider these wise old guys an example for the rest of us, was the question posed by this reporter?
"Oh, hell no," the spokesman replied. "It's got to be horrible for them. We're thinking of giving them shots."
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