No more thumbs up for mass murder, k? While Presidents Day is not regarded as a day most Americans make resolutions (indeed, it may be the day many of us finally break our New Year’s ones), it wouldn’t be a bad day for Presidents to make resolutions. After all, most of them are all set for furniture. Recent history might have been cheerier if Clinton had resolved to keep it in his trousers, Bush II had resolved to avoid breaking nations into little pieces and then spend trillions trying to reassemble them, and Obama had resolved not to make any hasty promises about people being able to keep their health plans.
But Trump is in a class by himself when it comes to needed self-improvement, although he seemingly remains blissfully unaware of his shortcomings. That’s why this column is happy to provide ten suggestions that would make him a better President. We are not thinking that, by following these suggestions, the Caucasian-in-Chief will become a good President, or indeed, ever amount to anything more than the Worst President Ever, but they wouldn’t hurt.
1. Whatever Omarosa Manigault-whatever-her-third-name-is did, Stormy Daniels can do it better. And whiter. She can be the Commissioner of Porn, the Chief Strategist for Hush Money or the Czar of Erections, but whatever you call her, she’s the one girl that can make the White House throb.
2. Next mass shooting, try not to give a cheery thumbs up for your Twitter pic with the survivors. Wrong optics, if you know what I mean, and if you don’t, ask your kids if they wish they hadn’t posed for those portraits with dead animals.
3. “When did you stop beating your wife?” is a question you need to ask all new hires, and if the answer is, “When she took out the restraining order,” lose that resume, because that guy is vulnerable to blackmail by the Russians. I know you’re thinking, “Being blackmailed by the Russians doesn’t automatically make someone a bad person,” but trust us, you’re better off not hiring your wife-beater bros.
4. Try thinking of a derogatory nickname for Mueller, because you’re going to need one sooner or later. He’s taller than you, so “liddle” isn’t going to cut it. “Rockjaw,” maybe, or “Moose Chin.” Or “Collusion Delusion.” We’ll keep thinking.
5. Ditto Mitt Romney, who’s going to be a Senator soon. He has more actual money than you. Or maybe not, but who can say? He also has better hair, teeth, suits and inklings of what being President involves, so he’ll need to be crushed.
6. Don’t compare penis size with Asian men anymore.
7. Tell everybody that Mexico has agreed to reimburse us for the wall as soon as the last brick is in place, so we need to hurry up and build it. It’s a secret agreement, so you don’t need to show it to us. You know, like your tax returns.
8. When you grab a pussy, make sure that pussy stays grabbed. You’ve got a Playboy model out there who sold her story to your buds at the National Inquirer, where they buried it. Now she’s about to squawk about how you modeled for her in your tightie-whities. Optics, again.
9. Get Melania to smile when she’s with you. Zoloft, Hindu Kush, magic ‘shrooms, ayahuasca—whatever it takes.
10. Keep your hair on!
But Trump is in a class by himself when it comes to needed self-improvement, although he seemingly remains blissfully unaware of his shortcomings. That’s why this column is happy to provide ten suggestions that would make him a better President. We are not thinking that, by following these suggestions, the Caucasian-in-Chief will become a good President, or indeed, ever amount to anything more than the Worst President Ever, but they wouldn’t hurt.
1. Whatever Omarosa Manigault-whatever-her-third-name-is did, Stormy Daniels can do it better. And whiter. She can be the Commissioner of Porn, the Chief Strategist for Hush Money or the Czar of Erections, but whatever you call her, she’s the one girl that can make the White House throb.
2. Next mass shooting, try not to give a cheery thumbs up for your Twitter pic with the survivors. Wrong optics, if you know what I mean, and if you don’t, ask your kids if they wish they hadn’t posed for those portraits with dead animals.
3. “When did you stop beating your wife?” is a question you need to ask all new hires, and if the answer is, “When she took out the restraining order,” lose that resume, because that guy is vulnerable to blackmail by the Russians. I know you’re thinking, “Being blackmailed by the Russians doesn’t automatically make someone a bad person,” but trust us, you’re better off not hiring your wife-beater bros.
4. Try thinking of a derogatory nickname for Mueller, because you’re going to need one sooner or later. He’s taller than you, so “liddle” isn’t going to cut it. “Rockjaw,” maybe, or “Moose Chin.” Or “Collusion Delusion.” We’ll keep thinking.
5. Ditto Mitt Romney, who’s going to be a Senator soon. He has more actual money than you. Or maybe not, but who can say? He also has better hair, teeth, suits and inklings of what being President involves, so he’ll need to be crushed.
6. Don’t compare penis size with Asian men anymore.
7. Tell everybody that Mexico has agreed to reimburse us for the wall as soon as the last brick is in place, so we need to hurry up and build it. It’s a secret agreement, so you don’t need to show it to us. You know, like your tax returns.
8. When you grab a pussy, make sure that pussy stays grabbed. You’ve got a Playboy model out there who sold her story to your buds at the National Inquirer, where they buried it. Now she’s about to squawk about how you modeled for her in your tightie-whities. Optics, again.
9. Get Melania to smile when she’s with you. Zoloft, Hindu Kush, magic ‘shrooms, ayahuasca—whatever it takes.
10. Keep your hair on!
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