Fuad Mohamed Khalaf, terrorist fundraiser and Al Qaeda sympathizer, recently offered a reward of ten camels for information on the location of US President Barack Obama and two camels for similar information on Secretary of State Hilary Clinton.
Intrigued by this news, I arranged to meet my contact on things terrorist, Al Jazeera reporter F'weeb al Dweeb. We met clandestinely at al Dweeb's home, a simple yet tasteful dirt structure outside of Mogadishu. I got right to the point.
Ten camels for Obama seems like a pretty lowball offer, although it might make a nice, poignant title for a children's picture book. Many people in America think that Khalaf is just being sarcastic with his offer of desert livestock for the President. Is this true?
"Not at all, although it is true that the future martyrs of Islam will use any weapon against Western pig-dogs, including sarcasm. But I have seen these camels myself. They are first-class Somali camels. They can go almost two months without drinking, like your Charlie Sheen, and are used to grazing in minefields. Any person would be proud to own ten of them."
But information on Obama's location is generally freely available. All you have to do is turn on your TV.
"Small problem there. Followers of Allah who throw themselves on the swords of the Crusaders to achieve eternal bliss have noticed Predator drone circling around office buildings of Cox Communications in Somali, so brother-in-arms Khalaf hasn't been in there in a while to pay his bill."
You don't really expect Americans to betray their President for ten camels, do you?
"We already have offers."
Such as?
"Mitt Romney did not exactly say he would help us, but he did ask how easy camels were to tie to the roof of a car, and if we could up the reward to match the number of cars he owns."
Is that all?
"For now, but we expect more. Ted Nugent is interested in killing Democrats is what we are hearing. If he does, Muslim warriors who have one foot in heaven will give gift of camels, which he can ride, barbecue or write illiterate, repetitive song about. Reverend Terry Jones is hanging Obama in effigy. If he hangs Obama for real, sons of Muhammad whose forwarding address is in Paradise will bring him joy of owning camels, right before we behead him for burning Qurans.
"But we don't want to limit ourselves to famous people who want Obama dead. Many ordinary humble Americans, like many ordinary humble suicide-bombers for Allah want Obama dead. He receives over thirty death threats a day. Remember, you Americans who hate Obama just like glorious martyrs but will not get into Heaven full of horny young girls because you are infidels, Second Amendment Solution equals Ten Camel Reward."
What about the offer of two camels for Hilary Clinton? Isn't that insulting and proof of the low regard Muslims have of women?
"Big mistake to think that. Those who have 72 virgins waiting to jump martyred bones always honor women. Is just that in Somalia, when you pay more than two camels for woman, you expect to marry her."
Intrigued by this news, I arranged to meet my contact on things terrorist, Al Jazeera reporter F'weeb al Dweeb. We met clandestinely at al Dweeb's home, a simple yet tasteful dirt structure outside of Mogadishu. I got right to the point.
Ten camels for Obama seems like a pretty lowball offer, although it might make a nice, poignant title for a children's picture book. Many people in America think that Khalaf is just being sarcastic with his offer of desert livestock for the President. Is this true?
"Not at all, although it is true that the future martyrs of Islam will use any weapon against Western pig-dogs, including sarcasm. But I have seen these camels myself. They are first-class Somali camels. They can go almost two months without drinking, like your Charlie Sheen, and are used to grazing in minefields. Any person would be proud to own ten of them."
But information on Obama's location is generally freely available. All you have to do is turn on your TV.
"Small problem there. Followers of Allah who throw themselves on the swords of the Crusaders to achieve eternal bliss have noticed Predator drone circling around office buildings of Cox Communications in Somali, so brother-in-arms Khalaf hasn't been in there in a while to pay his bill."
You don't really expect Americans to betray their President for ten camels, do you?
"We already have offers."
Such as?
"Mitt Romney did not exactly say he would help us, but he did ask how easy camels were to tie to the roof of a car, and if we could up the reward to match the number of cars he owns."
Is that all?
"For now, but we expect more. Ted Nugent is interested in killing Democrats is what we are hearing. If he does, Muslim warriors who have one foot in heaven will give gift of camels, which he can ride, barbecue or write illiterate, repetitive song about. Reverend Terry Jones is hanging Obama in effigy. If he hangs Obama for real, sons of Muhammad whose forwarding address is in Paradise will bring him joy of owning camels, right before we behead him for burning Qurans.
"But we don't want to limit ourselves to famous people who want Obama dead. Many ordinary humble Americans, like many ordinary humble suicide-bombers for Allah want Obama dead. He receives over thirty death threats a day. Remember, you Americans who hate Obama just like glorious martyrs but will not get into Heaven full of horny young girls because you are infidels, Second Amendment Solution equals Ten Camel Reward."
What about the offer of two camels for Hilary Clinton? Isn't that insulting and proof of the low regard Muslims have of women?
"Big mistake to think that. Those who have 72 virgins waiting to jump martyred bones always honor women. Is just that in Somalia, when you pay more than two camels for woman, you expect to marry her."
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