PICK UP: Beverly Hills Hotel
DROP OFF: LAX
Passenger seemed to be drunk. Kept sipping at what appeared to be bottle of hairspray. When I cautioned her about throwing up in the back seat, she became argumentative and stated "I've never puked in anything cheaper than an Escalade, bitch." Was on cell phone for about fifteen minutes, saying things like "I'm going to fix that ho, even if she is my sister," and "that little hooker is going to pay if she even looks at Kanye during the VMA's." Then took cell phone and began to take pictures up her own skirt. When she caught me looking in the rear view mirror, she snapped "Ever hear of Instagram, nobody?" Offered to pay me by taking picture of me with her. "And I'll balance a midget on my ass while I'm doing it. You find the midget. Any midget, except that little homo Peter Dinklage." Declined offer. Left her at Emirate Air. Claimed she was going to Dubai to buy underwear.
FARE PAID: $200. FORM: Two rolled-up hundreds.
PASSENGERS: Four Japanese tourists who said they were members of a Japanese college fraternity visiting the United States as part of their initiation.
PICK UP: LAX
DROP OFF: Disneyland Hotel
About fifteen minutes into ride, one of the passengers gave me a "wet willie." Told them I was going to let them out on the side of the freeway if it happened again. The passenger with the best English explained that a wet willie was a sign of respect in Japan. Then he gave me one himself to prove it. Then the rest of them took turns giving me wet willies all the way to Anaheim.
FARE PAID: A fistful of yen. Passengers told me it was plenty, but the bank only gave me thirty-two bucks for it.
PASSENGER: "M. Jackson"
PICK UP: Eerily deserted road in Topanga Canyon.
DROP OFF: Same
Weird. Knew I could get in trouble with Uber for asking a personal question, but couldn't resist saying "Aren't you supposed to be..." Passenger interrupted by saying "I don't want to talk about it," in his little baby voice. "Do you know of any orphanages in California?" Said no. Said closest orphanages I knew of were in Russia. "Been there, done that," he replied. He then requested to be driven to San Diego Zoo. Zoo closed. We could hear monkeys chattering. Passenger just sat in car and wept quietly for half an hour, then demanded to be returned "before sunup."
FARE PAID: $1200. FORM: bitcoins. Passenger claimed it was the currency "in the realm where I now dwell."
NOTE: Uber texted me saying passenger complained he had left one glove in car. None found.
PASSENGER: "B. Cosby"
PICK UP: NBC Studios
DROP OFF: Attorney's office in Culver City
Passenger talked loudly on cell phone entire trip, saying things like "Who now?" and "Lynda Carter won't say a word—nobody's going to believe Wonder Woman got molested. This is all manageable as long as Michelle keeps her mouth shut—I don't need no beef with the Secret Service. Every single one of them laughed while I was groping them anyway because I always remembered to keep saying HEY HEY HEY in my Fat Albert voice the whole time. I'm just too damn lovable—how's that for a defense?" When he hung up, passenger asked me if I knew where he could get some roofies, saying "I'm seventy-seven years old, dammit--I take them for my prostate."
Fare paid: $100, plus fifty bucks for the roofie.