I'm talking about taking action against illegals living brazenly and openly in our country, often earning plaudits from grateful citizens who don't seem to be aware that their presence here flaunts our laws. I'm talking about investigating the Justice League of America.
Don't get me wrong. Most superheroes are here legally. Batman and Spiderman are native-born Americans with inspiring backstories. Batman, born into wealth in America, nobly chooses to spend it gearing up and fighting crime instead of going to an Ivy League school on a lacrosse scholarship and then operating a series of hedge funds like all his friends did. Spiderman, born into more modest circumstances, but a native New Yorker nonetheless, gets bitten by a radioactive spider and swings around skyscrapers instead of going to a community college and repairing air conditioners.
Other superheroes operate in grayer areas. The Green Lantern is native born, but he got his ring of power from an illegal alien who crash-landed on the planet, totally evading Customs and the federal excise tax on superhero accessories. Wonder Woman? She's from Amazonia, which is in Brazil. If you look at a map, you see that Brazil is the country that seems to have successfully, quietly occupied most of South America, pushing all the other countries to the edges of the continent. Nobody takes exception to this. "Wow, Israel could take a few lessons from Brazil," is what you're thinking, but that's not the point.
Most women in Brazil are content to seek fame locally by trying to become Miss Bumbum Brazil, but not Wonder Woman. She's here, tiara, Lasso of Truth, invisible airplane and all.
"But she saves us from sinister villains all the time," you protest.
Sure she does. But is that her real motive? Or is she really just looking to have an anchor baby?
But the biggest and most obvious illegal migrant flying around in American skies today is Superman. If you recall, his parents put him on a spaceship and shot him towards Earth to save him from his home planet's explosion. If that's not the moral equivalent of sticking your little Juanita on the Beast Train and telling her Obama will be waiting for her at the border with free tacos, I don't know what is. The baby Supe is found by Ma and Pa Kent. Do these natural Americans notify the INS and the Border Patrol when they find the Super infant crash-landed in their cornfield, as they properly should? No. They clap their hands and say joyfully "Now we don't have to go to Russia to adopt a white baby!"
And here he remains, taking work and movie deals away from other, native-born superheroes. Oh, I know. Superman doesn't actually get paid for saving the Earth time after time again. But Clark Kent cashes his check every week, depriving some real American mild-mannered reporter of work.
Don't forget the economic ripples that Superman being here sends through the economy. The price of Kryptonite remains out of the average villain's reach, and every time Superman defeats another enemy, the bottom falls out of the evil lair market.
I'm not saying that we ought to deport the guy, especially since his home planet is now a smoking hulk of ashy death. But he ought to get in line, take a citizenship test, pay his back taxes and otherwise jump through whatever humiliating hoops we can think of to remind him that while we'll let him live here, he'll never really be one of us.
Of course, he probably realizes that every time he leaps over a tall building in a single bound.
CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE DEPT: This blog post was inspired by this blog post by Nina Flores.