JANUARY 20TH: The big day! Got a plaque that says White House Chief Strategist on my desk. Reince Priebus comes by to wave an even bigger plaque that says “Chief of Staff.” Says to me “I can’t decide if your office ought to be this close to the Oval one.” I say, “I can’t decide whether to make fun of your stupid first name or your ridiculous surname, Preeby-Boy.”
JANUARY 21ST: Spicer gets himself in trouble by chopping short the line I gave him about the size of The Boss’s Inauguration crowd, which was “It was way bigger than Obama’s if you don’t count the black people.”
FEBRUARY 13th: Mikey Flynn is gone, for lying to Pence. A pall settles over the West Wing, since we’ve all been lying to Pence. That holy roller still thinks The Boss doesn’t keep three abortionists on speed dial, just in case. The Boss has our back, says he’ll fire Pence. Preebuncus is the one who has to tell him he can’t. I let The Boss know Rinse was the one responsible for not telling him that before Pence was hired. Later, see him slinking back from the Oval Office spitting soap into his hankie.
MARCH 21st: First day of spring, so I’m working barefoot. Just so people don’t accuse me of goofing off, I write “Fuck NATO” on my toes with a Sharpie.
APRIL 22ND: A sturdy, hetero, white nationalist male like myself naturally gravitates to thoughts of love when the trees start to bud, and I’ve managed to keep my hands off Kellyanne, even though everybody knows she’s into “alternative dick,” because I hear the only thing she is ever truthful about is comparative penis size. Waited until I thought Ivanka might be in the mood, and whispered, “You know, you’re not really a Jew,” in her ear, thinking she might appreciate that, but no dice. Settled for a booty call from Sarah Huckabee Sanders. The bigger the cushion, the better the pushin,’ as my Boy Scout leader used to tell us back when I belonged to Troop 88. Pulled out of her like she was the Paris Climate Agreement at the last second, so if she’s missed any periods, blame ol’ Preebung.
MAY 9TH: The Boss finally takes my advice and fires that prick Comey. Never mind that he practically won the election for you, I always said. You can’t trust a guy that only owns shirts in one color.
MAY 17TH: And now we’ve got Comey’s clone on our asses! The only difference between the two is that Mueller more closely resembles a basset hound! The Boss went ballistic—literally, as he started punching random buttons on the nuclear "football" while foaming at the mouth. Luckily, someone distracted him by waving a pair of “Melania’s panties,” in front of his nose, and grabbed the "football" away from him. Jeffie Sessions is up to his Spock ears in doo-doo. The reason the Sesh hates black guys so much is that he’s hung like a roll of Tums himself, according to Kellyanne. Later The Boss remembered that Melania doesn’t wear panties, and he broke all four TV’s in his bedroom.
MAY 18TH: Mueller calls me up to introduce himself, referring to himself as “Special Counsel Mueller.” “Isn’t ‘special’ another word for ‘retarded?” I said back. Humor is so important in maintaining relationships. “By the way,” I added, “I always start my fireplace log burning using shredded documents for kindling. You know, for the sake of the environment. So don’t send any subpoenas to me, 'cause you know what I'll do with them."
Hope I don't have to carry out that threat. I don't think they print subpoenas on very soft paper.
To be continued…