In an expected development, Standard and Poor downgraded the entire human race today. After downgrading the United States and Google, S&P admitted what many observers have said about them all along—they've soured on the entire human species.
"Nothing about them says AAA anymore," a spokesman for the company said. "Fat, lazy and addicted to video games. And that's the adults. The kids are even worse."
"Most of the interest in them was speculative in the first place," the spokesman continued. "Walking upright and inventing fire certainly drew investor interest in the early days. They basically pushed the other primates out of the market. Anybody holding woolly mammoth or saber-tooth tiger bonds paid a heavy price for not holding at least a long position in human. The invention of stone tools and agriculture sent their shares soaring and they became the backbone of most portfolios. There was a little short-selling during the Dark Ages, but that profit-taking soon gave way to resurgent growth through the Renaissance, the Enlightenment and the Industrial Age. Even their long-slumping Chinese division began to turn itself around. They even took a position on the Moon! Everybody thought the sky was the limit then, but they've been going on momentum ever since. Instead of walking on moving sidewalks and living in space needles, they invented the PC. All they do now is flame each other on Facebook. It's time to pull the plug."
But what about evolution? Isn't it possible the human race could yet become something breathtaking?
"Breath is a good word. As in, don't hold it. A million years of evolution and they've got Snooki and Pee Wee Herman. I wouldn't count on any future earnings there. They've always had a problem with internal squabbling, but departmental rivalries are worse than ever now. The Middle East division is a war unto itself. S&P has a reputation for recommending stable investments. We have a responsibility to our clients. This downgrade is long overdue."
That leaves us nowhere. Without humans, what do we have?
"Puppies. Possibly kittens. And everybody loves dolphins. An elegant, streamlined animal willing to jump through hoops for raw fish looks pretty good, especially after you've watched a couple seasons of The Biggest Loser."
Is there any possibility humanity will regain its Triple A rating?
"We don't know. Give us a couple decades of world peace. If they ever really invent flying cars, that would help, too.
"Nothing about them says AAA anymore," a spokesman for the company said. "Fat, lazy and addicted to video games. And that's the adults. The kids are even worse."
"Most of the interest in them was speculative in the first place," the spokesman continued. "Walking upright and inventing fire certainly drew investor interest in the early days. They basically pushed the other primates out of the market. Anybody holding woolly mammoth or saber-tooth tiger bonds paid a heavy price for not holding at least a long position in human. The invention of stone tools and agriculture sent their shares soaring and they became the backbone of most portfolios. There was a little short-selling during the Dark Ages, but that profit-taking soon gave way to resurgent growth through the Renaissance, the Enlightenment and the Industrial Age. Even their long-slumping Chinese division began to turn itself around. They even took a position on the Moon! Everybody thought the sky was the limit then, but they've been going on momentum ever since. Instead of walking on moving sidewalks and living in space needles, they invented the PC. All they do now is flame each other on Facebook. It's time to pull the plug."
But what about evolution? Isn't it possible the human race could yet become something breathtaking?
"Breath is a good word. As in, don't hold it. A million years of evolution and they've got Snooki and Pee Wee Herman. I wouldn't count on any future earnings there. They've always had a problem with internal squabbling, but departmental rivalries are worse than ever now. The Middle East division is a war unto itself. S&P has a reputation for recommending stable investments. We have a responsibility to our clients. This downgrade is long overdue."
That leaves us nowhere. Without humans, what do we have?
"Puppies. Possibly kittens. And everybody loves dolphins. An elegant, streamlined animal willing to jump through hoops for raw fish looks pretty good, especially after you've watched a couple seasons of The Biggest Loser."
Is there any possibility humanity will regain its Triple A rating?
"We don't know. Give us a couple decades of world peace. If they ever really invent flying cars, that would help, too.
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