One of the signs that you have a place in the annals of America is that you have an airport named after you.
Trump’s eager to have his airport, so eager that he hinted it would be fine to name an airport after him now, instead of waiting until he’s dead. Trouble is, most of the biggest airports serve big cities, and those big cities definitely did not vote Trump. It would be difficult to find an urban location where someone will not spray paint “Fuck” on the top of every road sign erected to guide the weary traveler to Trump International Airport, so much so that the three-letter code for it might well be FTI.
But there are other alternatives, places In our country that voted strongly for Trump and would be proud to nourish his Administration's place in history as other than an extra-sludgy toxic waste dump that we were unwilling dragged through for four years. Here’s a few suggestions:
SIOUX CITY, IOWA: This burg in the northwest corner of the state proudly calls itself “The City of Two Seasons—Too Fucking Hot and Too Fucking Cold.” Its chief industries are dealing fentanyl and moving out of town, and it went for Trump by 60%. It's a place where a bust of Trump could be safely erected in the main lobby of the airport without someone smashing its nose off with a baseball bat every week or so.
KINGMAN, ARIZONA: Retired racists living in trailer parks made this town a nexus of Trump support—he got nearly 75% of the vote here, as compared to the mere 52% he garnered in Yuma, another hotbed of sunbaked dementia. “A great place to drive through without stopping,” is the near-unanimous opinion of people who have passed that way.
PASCO COUNTY, FLORIDA: Featured frequently on the recently canceled “Live PD,” residents here enjoy the favorite local pastimes of driving drunk and police brutality. Low visibility because of clouds of migrating mosquitoes obscuring the runway sometimes makes air travel here excitingly dangerous, but it went 70% for Trump, so South American drug smugglers would be proud to land their planes here to avoid the more socialist airstrips in Tampa and Orlando.
CLEVELAND, TENNESSEE: The Great Smoky Mountains make a beautiful backdrop whatever you’re doing here in Cleveland—making moonshine, cooking meth, cultivating bud or just succumbing to a heroin overdose. You voted 78% percent Trump, though, just to avoid getting that pesky healthcare stuff inflicted on you, so an airport here bearing his name would be a proud local landmark.
There’s many more--this handy map is provided for you to pick out more possibilities, for the guy we’re going to be calling “Mr. Ex-President” before Groundhog Day—but I encourage him to pick out this dark-horse contender:
LITTLE DIOMEDE ISLAND, ALASKA: True, there’s only air service here six months out of the year, when the sea-ice freezes over hard enough for planes to land on it, but it’s got a feature Trump’s going to love.
It’s only two and a half miles from Russia.