After "Sheriff Joe" Arpaio announced today that Barack Obama's long-form birth certificate was a forgery, based on an investigation that was largely conducted by seasonally unemployed mall Santas, Donald Trump, not to be outdone in the field of self-serving publicity seeking, reminded the media of his recent investigation, which came to the conclusion that Obama was not black.
The full text of the Trump press release is re-printed below:
After accusing the President of holding his office illegally because he was allegedly not born in the US and questioning his academic record, Donald Trump has come up with his most earth-shattering accusation against Obama yet.
In The Donald's own words: "He's not black. His whole claim to be America's first black President is a lie."
Trump based his claim on discoveries by his own team of crack investigators, the same ones that forced Obama to prove once again that he was born in the United States. "I just had a hunch," Trump said. "It was something about the way he walked. More importantly, it was something about the way he danced."
Obama's lack of rhythm has been noted before, but no one until Trump has actually investigated the President's claim to blackness. "What my people found was just astonishing," Trump declared.
Some of the investigation's results have already been leaked. In the words of one detective, "For one thing, we found it was quite easy to borrow money from Obama. I asked the dude for a yard and he forked it right over, without asking for collateral or even setting a repayment schedule. You try doing that with a regular brother."
Another chimed in," And he just has the two little kids. Normally, a black man pushing fifty would have at least a couple of kids in their thirties. He has no grandchildren at all. What that says to me is the guy's just fakin' African-Americanness."
Trump admits that Obama is not without features that could lead a casual observer to conclude he was indeed black. "He's fairly dark-complexioned. And my friends who play three-on-three say the man's got game. But he doesn't have a single uncle, cousin or in-law in prison, or even on supervised probation. As far as being black goes, there's two words for that—deal-breaker!"
When asked to identify Obama's ethnicity, if other than black, Trump refused to be pinned down. "Whatever. Kenyan, or that other place he was born—Hindonesia, right? All I'm saying is that he's not America's first black President. At best, he's America's first half-white President."
Trump refused to answer specific questions about Obama's identity, replying to multiple inquiries by merely muttering darkly, "And has anybody seen that Borat guy lately? I'm just sayin."