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Heroes of the NRA
Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick got his name in the news by suggesting that the Texas school shooting last week was caused by “too many doors.”
This new approach to the tragedy of school shootings summarized as “Guns don’t kill people—emergency exits kill people,” has caused many to ridicule Patrick, but it rings true in Texas, which has produced more than its share of political leaders who are palpable idiots and is also a place where some people feel the need to open-carry when they decide to pop into Walgreens to buy some Chapstick.
This shooting was different in several ways from the last big school shooting in Florida (17 down). The shooter was a minor, too young even in Texas to buy a gun, so he had to use his dad’s weapons. Of course, some things were the same—he was also apparently a blooming Nazi, contemplating murder and race war and couldn’t wait to start it. Ahh, the impetuousness of youth.
But there are lessons to be learned here. The NRA, now under the leadership of arms dealer Ollie North because no one at headquarters thought Ted Nugent could be trusted to show up for work, has rushed out to school us on the gun-positive things we learned from the massacre. Here they are:
First, and most importantly an AR-15 semiautomatic rifle was NOT used in the Texas shooting, so they’re cool again. And so are bump stocks.
Explosives were planted by the shooter, too. This means that if he couldn't have gotten his hands on any guns, he would have blown people up instead, although the police say none of the explosive devices would have worked. But blame that on the Texas high school chemistry curriculum--don't blame guns!
You have to be careful leaving your guns lying around where your nutty, horny teenage boy can find them. Not that you shouldn’t teach him how to shoot, starting at the age of seven or so, or share your strong lust for firearms with him, or your keys to the gun cabinet. Just tell him firmly, when you’re handing over that box of ammo, “Hey—don’t shoot any of the girls who have laughed at your come-ons at school.”
Don’t have walkouts protesting school shootings. Some of the kids at this high school did, and now they’ve gotten shot. Are they completely free of blame? Who knows if the shooter would have even thought of massacring them if they hadn’t put the idea in his head? Keep your heads down and your mouths shut about guns.
Good guys with guns stopped this shooting. There were no cowardly deputies here—the armed guys protecting the school engaged the gunman in a “heavy” exchange of fire, although none of the bullets they fired actually hit him. The point we’re making? In Texas, good guys with guns will always be able to stop bad guys with guns after ten people are dead, in a school shooting, but after twenty-six are dead in a church shooting. Good going, good guys.
Those girls he was after? Are they blameless? Everybody knows today’s kids are the hook-up generation. Some of us, remembering our own achingly horny youths, are jealous of this. These girls are having sex with somebody, obviously. Why not him? You can’t blame guns for this, because guns don’t fuck people—people fuck people. Why not ban bullying and sexual rejection in high school instead of guns?
But most importantly, the NRA has learned that not every school shooting produces a handsome, articulate boy survivor and a charismatic, short-haired girl survivor that have to be publicly castigated as “soulless liars,” and made fun of on Fox by Tomi Lahren and Laura Ingraham.
If there were any kids like that in Texas, they were among the victims, not the survivors.
The NRA is deeply grateful for that.
This new approach to the tragedy of school shootings summarized as “Guns don’t kill people—emergency exits kill people,” has caused many to ridicule Patrick, but it rings true in Texas, which has produced more than its share of political leaders who are palpable idiots and is also a place where some people feel the need to open-carry when they decide to pop into Walgreens to buy some Chapstick.
This shooting was different in several ways from the last big school shooting in Florida (17 down). The shooter was a minor, too young even in Texas to buy a gun, so he had to use his dad’s weapons. Of course, some things were the same—he was also apparently a blooming Nazi, contemplating murder and race war and couldn’t wait to start it. Ahh, the impetuousness of youth.
But there are lessons to be learned here. The NRA, now under the leadership of arms dealer Ollie North because no one at headquarters thought Ted Nugent could be trusted to show up for work, has rushed out to school us on the gun-positive things we learned from the massacre. Here they are:
First, and most importantly an AR-15 semiautomatic rifle was NOT used in the Texas shooting, so they’re cool again. And so are bump stocks.
Explosives were planted by the shooter, too. This means that if he couldn't have gotten his hands on any guns, he would have blown people up instead, although the police say none of the explosive devices would have worked. But blame that on the Texas high school chemistry curriculum--don't blame guns!
You have to be careful leaving your guns lying around where your nutty, horny teenage boy can find them. Not that you shouldn’t teach him how to shoot, starting at the age of seven or so, or share your strong lust for firearms with him, or your keys to the gun cabinet. Just tell him firmly, when you’re handing over that box of ammo, “Hey—don’t shoot any of the girls who have laughed at your come-ons at school.”
Don’t have walkouts protesting school shootings. Some of the kids at this high school did, and now they’ve gotten shot. Are they completely free of blame? Who knows if the shooter would have even thought of massacring them if they hadn’t put the idea in his head? Keep your heads down and your mouths shut about guns.
Good guys with guns stopped this shooting. There were no cowardly deputies here—the armed guys protecting the school engaged the gunman in a “heavy” exchange of fire, although none of the bullets they fired actually hit him. The point we’re making? In Texas, good guys with guns will always be able to stop bad guys with guns after ten people are dead, in a school shooting, but after twenty-six are dead in a church shooting. Good going, good guys.
Those girls he was after? Are they blameless? Everybody knows today’s kids are the hook-up generation. Some of us, remembering our own achingly horny youths, are jealous of this. These girls are having sex with somebody, obviously. Why not him? You can’t blame guns for this, because guns don’t fuck people—people fuck people. Why not ban bullying and sexual rejection in high school instead of guns?
But most importantly, the NRA has learned that not every school shooting produces a handsome, articulate boy survivor and a charismatic, short-haired girl survivor that have to be publicly castigated as “soulless liars,” and made fun of on Fox by Tomi Lahren and Laura Ingraham.
If there were any kids like that in Texas, they were among the victims, not the survivors.
The NRA is deeply grateful for that.
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