Yep, that rumbling noise is George Carlin and George Orwell both rotating in their graves.
The CDC was only provided with a minimal number of substitutes for the banned terms, the most graceful of which was "Instead of “science-based” or “evidence-based,” the suggested phrase is “CDC bases its recommendations on science in consideration with community standards and wishes.”
Before you can think WTF does that even mean? though, this column is ready to step in and provide sturdy substitutes for the banned words so that science can continue its forward march. You’re welcome.
FETUS: “Big boy sperm,” “Zygote afloat,” and “Little blessing that makes me puke every morning.”
TRANSGENDER: “Size thirteen heels,” “Slut with a schlong,” and “Go pee in the woods.”
VULNERABLE: “Pussy,” “Candyass,” and “You was asking for it.”
ENTITLEMENT: “No,” “Fuck you,” and “If you set a foot on my yard, I’ll shoot.”
SCIENCE-BASED: “Why you think about things like that, I’ll never know,” “Don’t be such a smarty-pants,” and “Jesus, take the wheel.”
EVIDENCE-BASED: “Don’t make no sense,” “Iffen you say so,” and “Alternatively factually.”
DIVERSITY: ”Muricans,” “What kind of English is that?” and “This parking spot reserved for NASCAR fans only.”