Even the news organizations permitted to be the recipient of this news, Breitbart and FOX, were skeptical. “Isn’t ISIS currently duking it out with the Kurds in Mosul?” asked one member of the FOX team.
Spicer replied, ”No. There may be something going on in Mosul that involves an exchange of gunfire and bombs, causing death and suffering and more refugees that we don't want here, but it is not fighting by ISIS because ISIS has been defeated, as promised, by President Trump, secretly.”
“Did ISIS formally surrender?” shouted a reporter in the back.
“They secretly surrendered,” Spicer replied. “They’re a terrorist organization. No way we were getting them to show up on the deck of the Missouri. But they’re defeated, all right, thanks to the plan put in place by our President, who has also lowered his golf handicap by one stroke since he took office. The battle against ISIS was won on the putting greens of Mar el Lago.”
“We want to worship your boss, as usual, but what I'm hearing here is that ISIS actually may not know they were beaten?” said a youngish white supremacist from Breitbart.
“Secretly beaten,” Spicer corrected him. “Of course, they may not know it, since we had to keep it secret. But they are done, finished, kaput. Total losers, like NATO and Chuck Schumer.”
“How was victory achieved?” shouted a young woman in a tight skirt sitting with her legs crossed, indicating she was also from FOX.
“That’s a secret,” Spicer replied. A chorus of skeptical groans rose from the assembly, but Spicer hushed them by waving the Ceremonial Sword of the Press Secretary, which he claimed he found in a closet in the briefing room after he took the job, and has lately taken to wearing, at the assembled reporters. “Look, we can’t divulge the details of our successful secret plan because we might want to use it again on some other enemies of mankind, like Boko Haram or Nordstrom's.”
“What about individual acts of terrorism inspired by ISIS?” asked the Breitbart guy.
“Obviously, since ISIS no longer exists, it can’t inspire deranged loners anymore,” Spicer replied. “So that threat has been eliminated as well.”
“Since ISIS doesn’t know they were defeated, and are still trying to murder their way into Heaven as far as we know, aren’t you merely saying you had a secret plan and it worked, when really there was no plan and you’re just claiming victory over terrorism?" asked the perky sex object from FOX.
At that point, Spicer lost his temper and told the assembled reporters that they were all banned from the gaggle. “Go sit in the hall with CNN and the Washington Post, you other fake news peddlers!” he yelled. Then he added, “Except Hannity,” as the room cleared.
What transpired after that no one knows.