What was it like, being deep in enemy territory in Hell?
"Well, the high air temperature meant we had the same chopper problems we had in Pakistan. Other than that, everything went as planned."
Why didn't we use armed drones to destroy Satan? Why did we risk a manned mission?
"If you remember we did use a missile to attack a suspected Satan a few years ago. A large, horned being was spotted by drone aircraft and we launched a Tomahawk minutes later, but he turned out to be just a tall guy in a Minnesota Vikings helmet. We only recovered the helmet. Very embarrassing. We decided this mission had to be fought hand-to hand."
What is Hell actually like? How do you get there? Do you go through a tunnel of light and see your dead relatives?
"Sure, you see dead relatives. They're not your real nice dead relatives, though. They look plenty sweaty and uncomfortable, and they can be annoying. They keep trying to bum cold drinks off you. Me and the rest of the team had hit a 7-11 for snacks right before the mission. I don't know how many times I was asked "Got an extra Slurpee on you, pal?"
What about the layout of Hell? Mostly cavelike, with jets of shooting fire, as we suspected?
"Naw, it's more like an airport, and I mean an airport with a sh*t-ton of an expansion project going on. They can't build additions to the place fast enough. More souls on Earth, you know. Plus nearly every current American can plan on ending up in Hell."
All Americans go to Hell? Why's that?
"Two words, buddy—THE INTERNET."
What were Satan's defenses like?
"Not much, when you get right down to it. A couple imps and assistant devils lounging around with pitchforks. We took them out, no problem. We busted right in on Satan. There was orgy going on, of course. Looked like Marilyn Monroe, Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson were taking turns on the old boy to me. They had Whitney Houston wearing nothing but an apron with "Newbie" printed on it serving drinks. She's the one that accidentally got shot in the leg. All our other bullets went right into the Big D."
That was it?
"Yeah, except for the intelligence-gathering, of course. The analysts are still working on that, but it looked to us like Satan spent most of his time wearing an old blanket, huddled in front of the TV, watching himself in horror movies…Hellraiser, The Exorcist, Rosemary's Baby—he had stacks of them. You just shook your head and thought 'Prince of Darkness, my ass."
Sounds kind of pitiful.
"Was, when you think about it. It was starting to creep me and a couple of the boys out, so we found bin Laden and shot him again. That was worth it. Looked just as surprised as he was the first time."