He's put on a little weight since '82, but who hasn't?
Fergus Simpson, a cosmologist at the University of Barcelona, has just published a scientific study which mathematically proves that your typical extraterrestrial probably weighs nearly as much as eight Japanese high school students, or three average adult Americans. In other words, around 700 pounds.
The discovery that most intelligent alien beings have more chins than Mitch McConnell and make Mama June look like an aerobics instructor explains a lot of their behavior, in this writer's opinion. The most puzzling thing about intelligent aliens has always been why don't they ever communicate with humans? If you're an advanced civilization in the habit of jetting out to other planets to check out primitive life forms like us, why not just introduce yourselves? I mean, give us the live-forever pills and the flying cars, and we'll be happy to give you something in return. New Zealand, for example. Most of us aren't using it anyway. Let's make a deal!
But they never show themselves and now we have an explanation for that—they're seriously overweight. They're too self-conscious to reveal themselves to us until they lose a few pounds. Can you blame them? It's impossible for them to find fashionable clothes, for starters. No self-respecting extraterrestrial wants to emerge from a wormhole transverser glowing with theoretical particles mere humanity hasn't even thought of smushing in the Large Hadron Collider yet wearing just a comfy bathrobe or an old jogging suit. Even gigantic medical complexes don't have enough handicapped spots for them to berth their flying saucers, and there's nothing intimidating about the phrase "Push me to your leader."
Plus human beings make fat jokes. Merciless fat jokes that burn and humiliate. Who's going to travel a thousand light-years or so to be laughed at? You're not going to reveal the secrets of the Universe to somebody who just cracked wise about your kind crashing in Roswell because you were looking for a gastric bypass clinic. And if you mention that you are able to travel the vast distances between the stars because you have mastered the technique of suspended animation, somebody is bound to say "Suspended animation? Really? Don't you mean DIABETIC COMA? HAH!
Of course, there could be an ominous side to all of this. For years, the aliens have been watching us enjoy TV shows that make fun of blubbery types, shows like Fat Guys in the Woods and Mike and Molly. That could piss them off. And interstellar travel could make them plenty hungry. While we're all enjoying ourselves watching mysterious UFO appearances and taking pictures of them with our cell phones, nobody is stopping to think that they may be full of ravenous creatures the size of polar bears, all with the same IQ as Stephen Hawking.
So when aliens kidnap people and come after them with the anal probe, it's entirely possible that they are not doing really complicated research. They may well be planning to make a snack out of us when they finally arrive, and are merely trying to figure out exactly what size Popsicle stick fits ups there.
The discovery that most intelligent alien beings have more chins than Mitch McConnell and make Mama June look like an aerobics instructor explains a lot of their behavior, in this writer's opinion. The most puzzling thing about intelligent aliens has always been why don't they ever communicate with humans? If you're an advanced civilization in the habit of jetting out to other planets to check out primitive life forms like us, why not just introduce yourselves? I mean, give us the live-forever pills and the flying cars, and we'll be happy to give you something in return. New Zealand, for example. Most of us aren't using it anyway. Let's make a deal!
But they never show themselves and now we have an explanation for that—they're seriously overweight. They're too self-conscious to reveal themselves to us until they lose a few pounds. Can you blame them? It's impossible for them to find fashionable clothes, for starters. No self-respecting extraterrestrial wants to emerge from a wormhole transverser glowing with theoretical particles mere humanity hasn't even thought of smushing in the Large Hadron Collider yet wearing just a comfy bathrobe or an old jogging suit. Even gigantic medical complexes don't have enough handicapped spots for them to berth their flying saucers, and there's nothing intimidating about the phrase "Push me to your leader."
Plus human beings make fat jokes. Merciless fat jokes that burn and humiliate. Who's going to travel a thousand light-years or so to be laughed at? You're not going to reveal the secrets of the Universe to somebody who just cracked wise about your kind crashing in Roswell because you were looking for a gastric bypass clinic. And if you mention that you are able to travel the vast distances between the stars because you have mastered the technique of suspended animation, somebody is bound to say "Suspended animation? Really? Don't you mean DIABETIC COMA? HAH!
Of course, there could be an ominous side to all of this. For years, the aliens have been watching us enjoy TV shows that make fun of blubbery types, shows like Fat Guys in the Woods and Mike and Molly. That could piss them off. And interstellar travel could make them plenty hungry. While we're all enjoying ourselves watching mysterious UFO appearances and taking pictures of them with our cell phones, nobody is stopping to think that they may be full of ravenous creatures the size of polar bears, all with the same IQ as Stephen Hawking.
So when aliens kidnap people and come after them with the anal probe, it's entirely possible that they are not doing really complicated research. They may well be planning to make a snack out of us when they finally arrive, and are merely trying to figure out exactly what size Popsicle stick fits ups there.
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