A spokesman for the Pit of Everlasting Torment agreed to speak to this column, but only on the record if given a golden chalice filled with the blood of an unbaptized boy. When told this was not possible, he insisted on anonymity.
“Obviously, Trump realized long ago he could never become President if he didn’t make a deal with Satan, or as we call Him Down Below, the Boss. At first the Boss was cool to the deal. Trump was a natural for Hell anyway—lying about being rich, cheating his partners, running a fake real estate school, grabbing pussy and bragging about it to other people who are definitely going to Hell, like Billy Bush. The Boss thought, why bother dealing with this guy? I’ll be able to carve “Trump” in his back with a hot pitchfork every day for all eternity, even if I sit on my hands.
“But Trump can be very persistent. He threatened to clean up his act, give his money away and wear boxing gloves at all times to keep himself from finger-sampling the girls. He even said he might even become a Catholic. Nothing pisses the Boss off more than the Catholics, although no one knows why—it’s not like He doesn’t have a whole collection of Popes already.
“So Satan and Trump shook on it, and Satan even threw in Melania as part of the deal, although he insisted on a clause that made Him Barron’s real father. Trump promptly starts pushing the envelope on the agreement. All that campaign stuff, starting with calling Mexicans rapists and John McCain a pansy, making fun of the crippled guy, accusing Megan Kelly of menstruating on stage—all that was way beyond the pale. It’s like Trump was laughing at the Boss, knowing that He had to make Trump President anyway. Believe me, the Boss was counting the minutes until Trump showed up Down Here, even as He conjured up thousands of zombie voters in Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin to push Trump over the top.
“As soon as he won, Trump started whining. He said he didn’t owe Satan anything, because he only won in the Electoral College, while he lost the popular vote by millions. Satan pointed out that the Electoral College was His idea in the first place—He had whispered it in Hamilton’s ear back in 1786.
“Then Trump claimed he didn’t actually have ownership of the property in question. First he said he lost it in one of his bankruptcies, but when he couldn't prove that, he claimed he had forgotten that he had back-leased it to his son, Donald Jr., on a Christmas years ago, when everybody noticed young Donald didn’t have a soul of his own, after the boy had chewed up a litter of puppy Pomeranians he had been given as a present. When Satan called him out for making a bad-faith deal, Trump said he would settle for weekends Down Below, while he spent weekdays at Mar el Largo, wearing a literal Ankle Monitor from Hell, so he couldn’t sneak away and golf with Vladimir Putin.
“Satan pointed out that he and Putin could soon spend all the time together that they wanted, for all eternity. They could even enjoy their daily filleting by imps together, if they really wanted to bro it up in the Pit of Darkness. But you can tell His heart isn’t in it. We’re all afraid that He, like every contractor who ever put up a mirror or a sink for one of Trump’s companies, is going to have to settle.”
Why on earth would the Prince of Darkness settle with Trump?
“Same old story. He’s afraid Trump will take over.”