"Our association with the Romney campaign is over," the teeth said in a prepared statement. "We're sick of being held back by the rest of the Romney anatomy. Those lying lips, those gibbering gums, that hinged tongue, that spineless spine…The American people deserve better. Unlike the rest of Romney, we teeth are perfect, perfect like perhaps no other teeth in history. We stand straight and all American, solid on principle, patriotic to the core, polished white and upright, like tombstones in a graveyard of heroes or an alabaster city gleaming."
This reporter caught up with the disenchanted choppers for an exclusive interview.
The first thing critics are going to say is that you teeth are all shine and no substance. How do you respond to that?
ROMNEY'S TEETH: Our advisors are working on a master plan to restore this nation's greatness, particularly its dental greatness. All the details haven't been worked out, but it's going to be called Checkup for America, or possibly Flossing Our Way to the Future.
What about the other Presidential aspirants' teeth? Could they mount separate campaigns?
ROMNEY'S TEETH: We're not worried about them. None of them are qualified to be President, by reason of not being native American teeth. Obama got his cavities filled in Kenya. Gingrich has a mouth full of Mexican implants, and Santorum was root-canaled while visiting Rio.
Then let's address the rumor that you guys were bleached in Belgium.
ROMNEY'S TEETH: We categorically deny that. Our official biography is perfectly clear and perfectly truthful—we were born, straightened, capped, filed and whitened right here in the USA, and have the receipts to prove it. Anybody who says otherwise is just one of those irresponsible toothers.
There's nothing more critical in a third-party campaign than the choice of a vice-president. Whom are you considering for the VP slot on the tooth ticket?
ROMNEY'S TEETH: We're still in the interview stage on that, so we can't comment.
Mind if I speculate? What about Newt Gingrich's hair?
ROMNEY'S TEETH: Of course we've thought about Newt's hair. It's a blow-dryed, sprayed flat wonder, but Gingrich is sixty-eight and the hair hasn't shown signs of leaving him yet, so we doubt it will abandon Newt now. We've also considered Rick Santorum's gall. Anybody who's said women don't know if they need abortions, scientists don't know anything about global warming and John McCain doesn't know anything about torture has plenty of that to spare. Either Michele Bachmann's legs or Sarah Palin's smirk would sex up the ticket, but we've also considered reaching across the partisan aisle and grabbing Hilary Clinton's cankles.
Are you considering any other aspect of Governor Romney to round out your ticket? A lot of voters seem to find his other features attractive. His graying temples, for example, or those utterly disciplined eyebrows, the aquiline nose…
ROMNEY'S TEETH: Hell, no! We want no part of him. We'd rather run with Lindsey Lohan's liver.