"It's the Bain Capital approach," Romney mouthpiece Donald Fehrnstrom said. "There's no room for sentiment in the Romney White House. If a state's not returning a good value to Mitt, there's no reason not to liquidate it."
What's 'returning a good value" mean?
"Votes, man, votes! If a state doesn't vote for Mitt on Election Day, we'll take a serious look at whether the state can be turned around in time for the next election. If not, it's time to squeeze whatever juice we can get out of that particular lemon and move on."
You'd put the blue states up at auction?
"Not necessarily all of them. Some states would be tough to move. California, for example. Real estate there is so high it would command a whopping price. Particularly a certain house with central car elevators in La Jolla. Possibly only the Saudis could afford to buy it. Do they want to? Maybe they'll decide they have enough sand, sunshine and seacoast already. We're more sanguine about cashing in on other properties. Take Illinois. Please! (smirks at own joke) Seriously, Obama's home state would be a cinch to sell to Switzerland. They need some flat land over there, and they have the money. They even have some of Mitt's money.
"Maryland's nothing but bay. Sell that place to some landlocked country booming with petro-wealth, like Kazakhstan. That way, when its newly rich oil millionaires start buying yachts, they'll have a place to sail them. Comes with lots of crabs, too!"
Sounds like you're in a selling mood already.
"Easiest way to cinch re-election. New England? We give it back to Old England. Let bygones be bygones. And Louisiana? Let's see what France will pay to get it back."
But Louisiana's a red state.
"Gave the last Republican President plenty of trouble when it got scrubbed out by Katrina, though. Mitt's going to show the American people the importance of looking forward. Mitt's always going to have a soft spot in his heart for France, but the next time a hurricane hits New Orleans, the French can pay for wet-vaccing out the Super Dome."
What about all the patriotic Americans who live in those states? Aren't they going to have a tough time switching loyalties to their new countries?
"Mitt feels for them as individuals, but the acquisition process is not foolproof. Many of these states were of doubtful value to begin with. Cutting losses is what smart corporate raiders do. The country just picked up Hawaii as a state in 1958. Sometimes, your most recent errors are the easiest to correct. The Japanese have been trying to buy Hawaii for years. Mitt will be ready to sell it to them, lock, stock and luau. It's number one on our close-out list, for obvious reasons. Once Hawaii's part of Japan, the next time somebody named Obama gets himself born there, he won't be able to become President. As far as America's concerned, he might as well have been born in Kenya."
Thanks again to Donny "The Other Dude" Ferris for this blog inspiration