The election is almost upon us, and Mitt Romney lies asleep in another hotel bed. An empty quart of chocolate milk is lying on its side on the end table next to the candidate. A few drops of the carton's remaining contents are dribbling onto the floor. Suddenly, the windows rattle, and the GHOST OF TOM DELAY appears. The GHOST is wearing a prison jumpsuit.
MITT ROMNEY: Tom DeLay! Convicted felon and former Speaker of the House! What are you doing here?
GHOST OF DELAY: I came to warn you, Romney. Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts. Actually, four. The first two are a team act. Pay heed to their advice lest you end up like me! (Vanishes)
MITT ROMNEY: Hey! Where'd you go? (Suspiciously) Is anybody taping this? (Suddenly, the hotel room's bay windows burst open. The GHOSTS of RONALD REAGAN and RICHARD NIXON appear.
GHOST OF REAGAN: We are the Ghosts of Elections Past. This election will be a close one, Mitt.
GHOST OF NIXON: Remember the votes you can really count on. Obama can fix the economy and kill all the terrorists out there, but there's one thing he can't change.
GHOST OF REAGAN: He's black.
GHOST OF NIXON: Remember "state's rights?" And "benign neglect?"
GHOST OF REAGAN: And all those stories I used to tell about "welfare queens?"
MITT ROMNEY: But I've already been lying about welfare reform! And what about my birth certificate crack?
GHOST OF REAGAN: A nice start, Mitt.
GHOST OF NIXON: But keep that dog whistle handy. Especially if unemployment drops again. Don't forget you have homos to hate, too. In some ways, you have it better than we did. Don't screw it up. (The GHOSTS vanish the same way they came, but they are quickly replaced by the GHOST OF GEORGE MCGOVERN)
GHOST OF MCGOVERN: I am the Ghost of Elections Present! Come with me! (Romney takes the Ghost's hand and they float over a suburban landscape, finally shooting in through the window of an industrial plant across the river. Inside, SHELDON ADELSEN and the KOCH BROTHERS are busy shoveling stacks of hundreds into a glowing furnace marked "ROMNEY FOR PRESIDENT")
GHOST OF MCGOVERN: I once had armies of idealistic do-gooders ringing doorbells for my Presidential campaign, just as your opponent does now, Romney. These are your only allies against them. All Adelsen wants in return is to beat his upcoming rap for human trafficking and the Koch brothers merely want to frack for oil under the Washington Monument. Don't worry about the Koch brothers tearing up the reflecting pool—they're going to put up a fake Monument while they dig into the shale. It'll look just about as convincing as one of those phony pine tree cell phone towers. Small price to pay for being POTUS, right? (The GHOST OF MCGOVERN disappears. His place is taken by the GHOST OF MICHAEL DUKAKIS.
MITT ROMNEY: You must be the Ghost of Elections Future! (The GHOST OF DUKAKIS merely nods. With his index finger, he opens a portal into the future. We see PRESIDENT HILARY CLINTON talking with PRESIDENT-ELECT MICHELLE OBAMA)
PRESIDENT CLINTON: It's been a good run, Ms. President, and I wish you all the luck during the eight years of your Administration. Don't forget, Chelsea gets to be Secretary of State so she can build a résumé for her campaign in '32.
PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA: Then Malia and Sasha's turn! They can't decide which one of them will be President of the US and which one will be President of Kenya! And I promise to get the 28th Amendment passed during my Administration, so that no white male can ever legally become President again!
MITT ROMNEY: It can't be! (The GHOST carves another portal in time. Through it we see a gravestone with WILLARD M. ROMNEY etched on it. It is an unimportant stone in a neglected graveyard)
MITT ROMNEY: But I always wanted to be buried next to my money. In Switzerland!
GHOST OF DUKAKIS: There's no money left, Romney. After you were convicted of tax evasion and they eliminated the loophole for carried interest, this is all your family could afford.
MITT ROMNEY: But this awful future! How can it be prevented?
GHOST OF DUKAKIS: You must win, Romney! At any cost necessary!
MITT ROMNEY: (Suddenly suspicious) Michael Dukakis...how can you be a ghost? Aren't you still alive?
GHOST OF DUKAKIS: So's Tom DeLay, you idiot.
MITT ROMNEY: Tom DeLay! Convicted felon and former Speaker of the House! What are you doing here?
GHOST OF DELAY: I came to warn you, Romney. Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts. Actually, four. The first two are a team act. Pay heed to their advice lest you end up like me! (Vanishes)
MITT ROMNEY: Hey! Where'd you go? (Suspiciously) Is anybody taping this? (Suddenly, the hotel room's bay windows burst open. The GHOSTS of RONALD REAGAN and RICHARD NIXON appear.
GHOST OF REAGAN: We are the Ghosts of Elections Past. This election will be a close one, Mitt.
GHOST OF NIXON: Remember the votes you can really count on. Obama can fix the economy and kill all the terrorists out there, but there's one thing he can't change.
GHOST OF REAGAN: He's black.
GHOST OF NIXON: Remember "state's rights?" And "benign neglect?"
GHOST OF REAGAN: And all those stories I used to tell about "welfare queens?"
MITT ROMNEY: But I've already been lying about welfare reform! And what about my birth certificate crack?
GHOST OF REAGAN: A nice start, Mitt.
GHOST OF NIXON: But keep that dog whistle handy. Especially if unemployment drops again. Don't forget you have homos to hate, too. In some ways, you have it better than we did. Don't screw it up. (The GHOSTS vanish the same way they came, but they are quickly replaced by the GHOST OF GEORGE MCGOVERN)
GHOST OF MCGOVERN: I am the Ghost of Elections Present! Come with me! (Romney takes the Ghost's hand and they float over a suburban landscape, finally shooting in through the window of an industrial plant across the river. Inside, SHELDON ADELSEN and the KOCH BROTHERS are busy shoveling stacks of hundreds into a glowing furnace marked "ROMNEY FOR PRESIDENT")
GHOST OF MCGOVERN: I once had armies of idealistic do-gooders ringing doorbells for my Presidential campaign, just as your opponent does now, Romney. These are your only allies against them. All Adelsen wants in return is to beat his upcoming rap for human trafficking and the Koch brothers merely want to frack for oil under the Washington Monument. Don't worry about the Koch brothers tearing up the reflecting pool—they're going to put up a fake Monument while they dig into the shale. It'll look just about as convincing as one of those phony pine tree cell phone towers. Small price to pay for being POTUS, right? (The GHOST OF MCGOVERN disappears. His place is taken by the GHOST OF MICHAEL DUKAKIS.
MITT ROMNEY: You must be the Ghost of Elections Future! (The GHOST OF DUKAKIS merely nods. With his index finger, he opens a portal into the future. We see PRESIDENT HILARY CLINTON talking with PRESIDENT-ELECT MICHELLE OBAMA)
PRESIDENT CLINTON: It's been a good run, Ms. President, and I wish you all the luck during the eight years of your Administration. Don't forget, Chelsea gets to be Secretary of State so she can build a résumé for her campaign in '32.
PRESIDENT-ELECT OBAMA: Then Malia and Sasha's turn! They can't decide which one of them will be President of the US and which one will be President of Kenya! And I promise to get the 28th Amendment passed during my Administration, so that no white male can ever legally become President again!
MITT ROMNEY: It can't be! (The GHOST carves another portal in time. Through it we see a gravestone with WILLARD M. ROMNEY etched on it. It is an unimportant stone in a neglected graveyard)
MITT ROMNEY: But I always wanted to be buried next to my money. In Switzerland!
GHOST OF DUKAKIS: There's no money left, Romney. After you were convicted of tax evasion and they eliminated the loophole for carried interest, this is all your family could afford.
MITT ROMNEY: But this awful future! How can it be prevented?
GHOST OF DUKAKIS: You must win, Romney! At any cost necessary!
MITT ROMNEY: (Suddenly suspicious) Michael Dukakis...how can you be a ghost? Aren't you still alive?
GHOST OF DUKAKIS: So's Tom DeLay, you idiot.
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