Veteran Republican operative Joe Redstate was among the first to say "Mitt Romney should be considered a national hero for paying at least 13% in taxes every year for the last ten years."
Why? It's less than somebody who has $35,000 in taxable income pays. I pay that much. Am I a national hero?
"Of course not. Do the math. Because Mitt is multi-multi millionaire, his 13% probably paid for a couple Predator drones, while yours only paid for maybe one of those plastic map kiosks in some muddy national park that nobody goes to. You call that heroic?"
I keep all my money in the US.
"Bogus issue! The problem is that people don't understand the problems of ordinary American quarter-billionaires like Mitt. When you have as much cheese as he does, you're bound to lose track of some of it. So what if he left some of it in foreign bank accounts? Maybe when his family was vacationing in France, they said to themselves 'It's a dull day. Tell you what, let's roll over to Switzerland, open a couple secret bank accounts that happen to be ace tax dodges just for yuks.' Then they went on a hot chocolate binge and forgot to close them. Could happen to anybody with their kind of net worth."
I notice your improved enthusiasm now that Romney has selected Paul Ryan as his running mate.
"You're right about that. Now we've got Ryan, and things are getting meaty. Obamacare out the window! Medicare, too! None of those socialist death panels are going to kill off our old people. Let hunger get them instead. The days of Granpa eating from the same bowl as Rover are coming back, baby! Patriotic senior citizens will be happy to eat Alpo, knowing that they are passing a debt-free America to their grandchildren."
I read under Ryan's famous tax plan, Romney would only pay about 1% in taxes.
"One percent for the 1%! There's a catchy slogan. I'm counting the votes now. Thinks of all those jobs those guys will create when they don't have to pay any taxes at all, practically! Study for a career in yacht design or take up the shovels of stable hygiene engineering, young ones! That's good advice for the youth of today!"
Seriously, Romney's promising all kinds of taxpayer savings under his Presidency, but he has yet to tell us what any of them will actually be. Do you have any insight you can share with us?
"Well, for one thing, Governor Romney has six other houses. Unlike Obama, who only has one other pad, he won't be wearing out the furniture by constantly sitting around the White House like some lazy government worker. He'll probably work out of La Jolla or New Hampshire most of the time. That'll save a couple hundred bucks a year on carpet-cleaning alone, we estimate. Plus his kids are grown. They won't be leaving a bunch of cracked Glee DVD's or pink iPhones around the Oval office for the maids to clean up, so we can probably cut back on their hours."
I heard Romney likes to fire people. It actually sounds like the 1% for the 1% might not create any jobs at all.
"Nonsense. Trickle-down economics will work just as well as it always has. But you've given me an idea. If we make the 1% a flat rate, Mitt and all of his friends can do their own taxes. They can fire their accountants, too!"