“I feel pretty good because I’ve taken Jesus Christ as my personal savior. And it’s given me enormous strength and solace, because he knows what’s in my heart.” News Item.
The recently convicted con man proclaimed his fealty to Christianity while wearing an ankle monitor and living in his house in Florida, frantically appealing for a new trial for his crimes. Jesus was none too pleased.
“Me Christ!” exclaimed the Redeemer. “It’s not like I was strolling along the beach in front of that microcephalic louse’s home, saying ‘Come get me, Roger!
“Eternal salvation is not a game of hide-and-seek. I’m not concealing Myself in the palm trees like some frozen iguana, waiting for all the felons of Florida to get nabbed so they can start bleating My name. Stone is a guy who spent his whole life cheating the voters on behalf of any Republican crooked enough to hire him. In between elections, he made sure he had nice suits and attended swingers' clubs, trolling for people desperate enough to fuck him, and now he’s going to Heaven? Pretty soon, too, because I do know what’s in his heart, and it’s a wad of arterial plaque the size of one of his pinkie rings. I haven’t had such an unlucky break since I was crucified.
“It’s not like I didn’t know this might happen. I lucked out with the first batch of Trump crooks. Michael Flynn is still out on bail, and will probably die there at the rate he’s going, Manafort just prays for enough heroin to get through the day and Michael Cohen is Jewish, thank Me. You won’t be surprised to know I get a lot of applications from prison. A convict gets an extra lump of potatoes in his gravy, or finds out that the lifer who can bench 400 and who insists on showering with him has a small penis, that guy is all over the place thanking Me.
“I anticipate more come-to-Me moments from people in Trumpworld as the conviction rate among them goes up, although I sincerely hope that Don Jr. gets killed and eaten by that bear too quickly to beg Me for a pass through the Pearlies, because that piece of bearded snot is My least favorite of the Trumps. Apart from his dad, of course, who sold his soul to the Devil in a levered deal for the Presidency, a couple tax breaks and, of course, Stormy. Mitch McConnell and Devin Nunes couldn’t pass up Satanic offers for their souls either, so I don’t have to worry about them showing up Here, but Satan hasn’t really stepped up his recruiting efforts, in My estimation. I send him emails all the time, urging him to up the ante to people like Bill Barr and Mike Pompeo. “Offer them a lifetime of free pie, as well as the hooker sex,” I suggest, but Lucifer just ignores them. It’s like the Prince of Darkness doesn’t want them at his place, either.
“And then, there’s Mike Pence. The guy prays like a geyser, spouting off petition after petition. Trouble with his prayers is after he begs for salvation, he always adds, “After I get to be President, of course.”
“Tell him I don’t do side deals if you see him, would you? Otherwise, if he does make it here, he’s gotta sit next to Stone.”