Rick Perry High School Graduation Test

Presidential candidate Rick Perry of Texas recently advocated the teaching of creationism alongside the theory of evolution in public high schools. Mr. Perry was quoted as saying "Teach them both…the students are smart enough to figure out which one's right."

I don't see any reason to confine Perry's insight to the biological sciences. Letting students figure out all high school subjects for themselves promises to be a boon to school district budgets everywhere, and those hateful teacher's unions will certainly lose a lot of their clout when the position of teacher is eliminated. Of course, strict educational standards have to be maintained, lest our kids lose their position as the 14th or 15th best educated children on the planet. The Rick Perry High School Graduation Test, reprinted in its entirety below, makes certain American high school graduates possess enough knowledge to compete on the world stage.

1. Who was the first President of the United States, Washington  or Lincoln?

1. Washington
2. Lincoln
3. Neither—it was Franklin, because he's on the C-note
4. I don't know, but isn't it weird they were both born on holidays?

2. Is pi an irrational number beginning with 3.14, or is it something tasty you have with milk?

1. Irrational
2. Tasty
3. I don't like pie
4. I don't like numbers

3. When did the War of 1812 begin?

1. 1812
2. Around 1812
3. Between 1811 and 1813
4. After the fall of Saigon

4. If you are standing outside in the Northern Hemisphere at night and facing the North Star and you extend your right hand directly out from your body, it is pointing:

1. Up
2. Out
3. East
4. To the person to whom I'm passing the joint.

5. The Table of Elements has a bunch of differently-colored squares and some numbers on it. It is important in the science of:

1. Any CSI show
2. Chemistry
3. Home Ec, because if you fold it up right, it becomes the Food Pyramid
4. Woodworking

6. Cavemen and dinosaurs lived together. True or false?

1. True
2. False
3. They may have lived together, but they weren't allowed to marry

7. The human papillomavirus, for which the girls in this high school weren't vaccinated for political reasons, causes:

1. Promiscuity
2. Teenage sex
3. Acne
4. Sin
5. Free condom giveaways

8. The United States is in North America. Which of these other countries is in North America? For extra credit, attach an essay on why we need to build a wall between them and us.

1. California
2. Israel
3. New York City
4. Mexico

9. Global warming is:

1. Wrong, because it's cold today
2. A terrorist plot
3. A fake theory foisted on us by the wealthy renewable energy lobby to push the impoverished Texas oil industry into bankruptcy
4. Only acknowledged by people who can  use the word "foisted."

For scoring purposes, all answers are considered correct. Any student who answered three or more questions with "1" may apply to be valedictorian.

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