“It’s easy,” he insisted. “We got burned on healthcare because it’s a real problem. We discovered too late that the thing people hated most about Obamacare is that it began with 'Obama.' Otherwise, people were good with having health insurance. We're going to return to our Republican roots by only solving imaginary problems.”
Like allowing mentally ill people to buy guns?
“Good example. Delusional people have Second Amendment rights, too. Who pays attention to an unarmed crazy? Having a chiller under your bed when you go off your meds is the American way. Problem solved.”
Another imaginary problem is that the American military doesn’t have enough money, right?
“You bet your britches we’ll be fixing that one. That’s an easy lift. We just have to make sure we spend those extra billions on expensive hardware built in Republican home districts rather than any more benefits for the troops.”
Transgender bathroom rapists, of which there are currently none?
“And none better show up, pard. Republicans will make sure those sex-crazed trannies have to use the bushes outside of the 7-11 when they have to make tinkle.”
How about problems that actually affect your base? Like opioid addiction?
“That’s a real problem, buster. We Republicans will always understand that when opioid addiction meant black people on heroin, it was a crime problem. Now that it’s white people on oxycontin, it’s a health problem. But it’s still real, so ix-nay on solving it. Give me voter fraud any day. Now that Republicans control both houses of Congress, voter fraud will be wiped out across this great nation.”
Because there almost isn’t any?
“There will be almost even less when we’re done.”
Don’t you think voters will notice the GOP doesn’t solve any real problems eventually and vote the Democrats back in?
“Of course. And the Democrats will try and fix real problems, like they always do. If they fail, we’ll dog-whistle to American people that they’re candyasses. If they succeed, we’ll start screaming about the deficit. But right now, while we’re on top, you can say goodbye to all of the USA’s imaginary problems, from billionaires crumbling under their tax burdens, to women getting their birth control covered by insurance, to baking gay cakes. All will vanish under bold Republican initiatives.”
Sounds like you have it all planned out.
“Like the song says, these are the good old days.”